payday 2 open safe with saw payday 2 hk game genie ps3 payday 2 payday loans sudbury payday the heist too short payday ps3 multiplayer payday loan over 6 months payday 2 for os x payday the heist easy xp payday 2 reinfeld vs izhma everything you need to know about payday 2 promo code for rise payday loans stop payday loans from calling payday 2 problème payday 2 framing server room can you get payday loans in nc payday 2 big oil intel locations payday the heist super armor legal payday loans in california being arrested for payday loans how to play postcode payday payday 2 fists payday loans 91342 how to unlock suppressor in payday 2 uncle buck payday loans review clavier payday 2 google payday home income same day payday loans for bad credit south africa como jogar payday online pelo hamachi need personal loan not payday loan payday loans savannah tn payday 2 high concealment sniper how do days work in payday 2 payday 2 locomotive or deagle missouri payday loan calculator payday loan shops in cardiff cash for payday loans payday 2 how to make money how to get out of payday loans debt payday 2 enlever masque payday 2 free dlc steam payday 2 steam gameplay payday loan consolidation advantages payday loans in raytown missouri pizza hut employee payday payday 2 maj pc payday 2 career criminal edition recensione payday trading app payday 2 train turret payday 2 mission crash licensed payday lenders in oregon payday 2 bank heist bandit barrier payday 2 mod courier locations payday loans highest interest rate small online payday loan payday 2 shinobi skill payday 2 brazil baby mask payday 2 best role payday silenced shotgun payday lenders in california illegal payday loans in maryland payday 2 bug reports should payday loans be regulated payday 2 beta trade warren fcu payday loans payday loan hopewell va who is a good payday loan company payday loan torrance my payday express account payday 2 shotgun spread payday 2 no stealth payday titan safe payday fortnightly olympia payday loans payday 2 free psn payday 2 hotline miami downtown payday loans rochester mn payday reviews payday loan places in las vegas payday 2 burst fire mod payday loans howdotofound online payday loan hot springs ar xmas payday loan lenders payday 2 for free ps3 delbert services payday loans money jar payday loans other payday loans is payday lending really wrong payday loan consolidation in sc payday loans sheffield instant payday loans without checking account payday the heist checkpoints como jugar payday 2 steam payday cash centers payday 2 bane has an update for us payday the heist zoey payday cash advance in riverdale ga planque dans payday 2 payday 2 skills the numbers baixar e instalar payday 2 online payday loans for alabama payday 2 gameplay 360 payday 2 which class is best payday 2 glitch crouch online payday loan bbb payday loans bossier city la can i pay payday uk with a credit card usa payday loans illinois payday 2 can u run it payday loan convoy telecharger payday 2 steam payday loan no fax direct lender payday loans uk instant paddy payday loan reviews payday 2 weapons guide payday 2 new level cap payday bonnie voice actor payday 2 xbox 360 legendado payday advance easley sc payday 2 lan play payday 2 bonus skill payday loans pearl city hawaii payday ign pc payday 2 ultimate trainer 3.1 loans till payday st clair payday 2 hotline miami overdose payday 2 wiki sentry gun remove payday loans descargar soundtrack de payday 2 payday 1 repack best skill for payday 2 texas payday law 6 days payday the heist theta aca payday loans payday loans in 78201 popeyes payday chicken miami tribe payday loans online payday loans direct lender instant approval payday wallpaper 1920x1080 payday 2 dlc page payday loan el paso tx easy way to get mask in payday 2 fos payday lenders payday 2 add on xbox 360 bee loans payday payday cash advance omaha how to unlock suppressor payday 2 payday 2 cheats free payday loans have ruined my life payday loans norwich payday the heist 2 minecraft automated paydays in india justice department payday payday loans with time to pay back how to get out of payday advance debt payday loans in lincoln ne payday 2 türkiye payday loans instant decision and payout payday 2 frame stealth quick online payday loans baownbeuv payday 2 hoxton breakout payday zone telechargement payday 2 full heist list payday loans in moorhead mn payday the heist loadouts silver safe payday loan instant payday network international payday 2 key generator crack v2.1 exe legit payday loan lenders direct line payday loan payday 2 multiplayer demo payday 2 wikia hector payday loan law mississippi money mart payday loans canada payday 2 vs gta 4 nys payday loan laws payday 2 crowbar locations shadow raid pay off my payday loans payday 2 wiki levels american general payday loans tv tropes payday 2 payday 2 spacewar payday 2 trade in value ingredients for payday shot b4 payday loans flsa payday how to play payday heist lan payday 2 answer phone payday loans in san antonio texas no checking account payday loans in dallas tx payday 2 fbi security box payday 2 xbox 360 games on demand wie bekomme ich c4 bei payday 2 payday loans lady payday the heist fiyat payday 2 really hard texas car title and payday loan new boston vernon payday loans online payday loans lenders only are payday loans legal in dc payday 2 ps plus uk payday 2 infamy masks express payday login i need payday loan will payday loans effect my credit score payday loans consolidation texas payday loan anoka mn payday loans debt review payday loans in lake worth fl payday loan lenders not brokers for bad credit payday the heist korsan multiplayer oynama soundtrack de payday 2 best online payday advance loans supersonic payday promotional code payday loans bellevue tn payday loans 29609 no credit check payday loan australia payday 2 smooth talker not working payday recensione pc my project payday payday 2 kawaii mask payday 2 skills reddit payday 2 big bank terminal payday 2 quel arme payday 2 multi na piracie payday version boite payday 2 enforcer perks payday trail mix recipe action payday loan contact number best payday loan company to use payday loans uk top payday 2 no alert automated paydays special firestarter payday 2 destroy weapons are internet payday loans illegal in maryland my cash center payday loan payday loans money in 15 mins payday loans barbur blvd can payday lenders have you arrested luke4316 payday direct payday lenders without teletrack payday loans guercmorteo faxless ez pawn payday loans las vegas payday 2 how to get the most money what happens if you don repay a payday loan in texas payday dlc xbox 360 alternative payday lending stars payday loan payday 2 new infamy tier payday 2 criminal career edition key h and t pawnbrokers payday loans payday 2 tips and cheats payday31 co uk payday 2 ita gameplay parte 1 payday loans baownbeuv direct lender california payday loan rules payday 2 wasteful payday helper payday 2 framing frame asset how to start payday 2 campaign payday loan hyde park payday 2 easy knockout payday loans sacramento locations report payday 2 hackers payday 2 trgamer payday loans car title actual payday loan lenders payday 2 money bag glitch payday 2 gtx 570 payday 2 hd weapons payday loan stores in aurora il payday 2 ps3 prisjakt invitation payday 2 payday 2 president masks payday 2 cenas payday express pay now small payday loans no credit check south africa direct payday company payday loan titusville fl direct payday loan lenders uk no credit check payday loans companies what payday loans are the best for bad credit payday grants payday 2 halloween safe house fast payday loans tqeovertoz payday loan peachy payday the heist pc graphics settings payday loan poor credit online payday line scotiabank payday loans payday the heist 2 review ps3 payday loan humble tx payday overdrill tutorial steam achievement manager 6.3 payday 2 payday checks zip payday loans online payday loan durham huskhawk payday loan payday 2 multiplayer gameplay payday 2 skidrow ita payday respawning guards code pour payday ps3 payday crisis loan payday without a bank account payday 2 bilderahmen payday 2 gauge weapon pack 2 payday loans review uk payday loans at loan mart payday loans new albany ohio diamond store payday 2 package locations fast payday 2 cash payday 2 manuel states ban payday loans payday the heist analisis meristation payday 2 etiquette payday xp level payday america inver grove heights payday loans brookhaven ms payday 2 xbox 360 price take payday loan payday loan guaranteed can payday loans help your credit payday 2 bbq dlc trailer payday 2 offline bags payday advance loans fort smith ar payday loans in west palm beach payday 2 multiplayer flt payday offline lan payday the heist filmweb payday loans in sallisaw ok payday 2 mission money ace payday loans greeley co payday 2 offline crack payday 2 multistage safe como jogar payday the heist online pelo hamachi payday loans 89701 payday episode 4 vostfr payday the heist waffen ray toh payday payday loans in montebello ca quick online payday loans tqeovertoz payday advance santa rosa tradução payday 2 pt br payday the heist masks ebay payday loan in indianapolis 100 online payday loans south africa payday loans and title payday loan on sahara payday loans suffolk virginia payday 2 xbox 360 cooperativos aaa payday loans springfield mo payday loans in othello wa payday 2 beta for ps3 payday loans twin falls payday heist runs slow direct payday lenders in florida payday loans hawaii kahului payday loans hagerstown maryland payday loan allen texas payday loans by direct lender cashx payday loan payday loan corp tustin ca payday 2 technician sentry gun payday loans bonney lake wa payday loan brandon fl masks from payday can you lan payday 2 payday 2 skulldozer quotes payday 2 saw gameplay payday 2 new dlc release date payday the heist 2 e3 payday heist mr nice guy payday 2 pc çıkış tarihi monthly payday uk best payday 2 missions to solo mini payday bar nutrition detonados payday 2 payday get a heavy swat to give up payday loans in baker la highest rank in payday the heist payday 2 nombre de joueur payday advance loans with savings account can you get away with not paying payday loans payday diamond heist cutter payday 2 free steam codes ecm jammer payday 2 time astuce jeux payday 2 payday the heist cheaty payday 2 can you buy masks payday 2 crash after mission payday 2 pro job payday loans howdotofound online can i get a payday loan with a walmart money card payday loans niles oh objet notoire payday 2 mods for payday the heist pc payday 2 how to hack offshore money payday 2 skill rendszer foxy payday payday express terms and conditions top 10 payday loans lenders uk payday 2 how to spawn bags sosa cia payday quick online payday loans baownbeuv payday 2 einsteigertipps payday 2 low specs payday 2 firestarter loot payday loans in cheney wa payday loans suing me no bank account payday loan online if payday falls on a tuesday payday 2 on xbox arcade payday 2 zombie killer payday 2 detruire armes guarantor payday loans payday 2 jogo nao abre payday 2 hacks german payday 2 trip mines or sentry gun online payday loan laws in south carolina sterling finance payday loans payday the heist trainer by fling payday 2 how to deal with cloakers payday 2 anzahl spieler payday 2 who has c4 payday 2 safehouse qr code payday 2 upcoming content austin isd payday schedule instant payday loans bad credit timely money emergency payday ost menu payday advance santa monica blvd payday loans in clovis ca payday bridge payday loans bountiful utah payday the heist how to join payday loans vancouver island payday loan direct lenders only bad credit payday 2 weapon guides payday traducao payday co op xbox payday loan stores in vancouver bc payday loans for blacklisted in johannesburg payday 2 best dps easy to obtain payday loans payday the heist how to level up quickly someone took a payday loan in my name payday loans madison wi east washington payday the heist dlc info payday 2 ghost build guide payday steam group payday overkill tactics long island payday loans gamerush payday 2 payday 2 steam hatası payday 2 screen black cz payday loans texas payday law severance payday 2 vásárlás pc payday 2 joining a game payday online tutorial payday lender license california payday advance lakewood california pa payday loan bill payday 2 mettre silencieux payday 2 info ps3 payday game merchandise payday advance in hot springs arkansas payday 2 svet kompjutera payday 2 acheter contrat payday 2 weapon level requirements payday loans in great falls mt online payday loans hereisthebestin can you pay off a payday loan early payday 2 fast weapon mods payday loans raymore missouri how to get masks fast in payday 2 12 month direct payday loans payday loans 98837 payday loans in anderson ca plus gros casse payday 2 what does regular payday mean hometown financial payday loan consolidation reviews can i get a payday loan if i am self employed payday 2 machine pistol how to finalize your mask on payday 2 payday 2 xbox buy payday 2 pc code triche ez money payday loan rates payday loan in high point nc top 10 instant payday loans payday 2 go bank phone calls sentry gun protective shield payday 2 payday 2 equip silencer instant payday loans pretoria quick mobile payday loan payday 2 part 20 payday 2 ps3t payday loan in calgary 100 day payday loans in georgia ceo payday uk payday loans in anthony tx When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”


No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.


Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”


  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.


Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →