payday loan harrisburg 50 pound payday loans fast guards surrender payday 2 ohio direct payday loan lenders hello payday review payday 2 faster picking consolidate payday loans get out debt payday the heist ingilizce yama hidden payday lenders payday loans for unemployment payday the heist trainer 1.12 payday loans 43224 payday advance sc how to get rid of mouse lag in payday 2 payday 2 pc trainer v1.0.0.zip payday locations payday heist controller support payday loans 33613 glitches on payday 2 project payday india payday the heist beste klasse payday loans diberville ms lucky payday advance payday 2 beslist.nl payday loan singapore what is interest on payday loans is payday 2 fun by yourself payday 2 101 payday 2 mallcrasher overkill payday the heist extremezone payday 2 letöltés ingyen payday 2 cant join server payday crimewave edition pre order can payday loan company sue you payday loans in arizona illegal payday loan can pay back monthly payday board games rules payday 2 region locked how long do you have to pay a payday loan back payday loans ocean springs ms cheetah payday loans payday loan in tallahassee fl payday 2 break out hoxton can not pay back payday loan payday 2 does not load payday 2 how to change your name online payday loans in arizona payday the heist pause game payday 2 experience glitch payday 2 geld cheat engine payday 2 controllers payday the heist requirements payday chattanooga tn payday loans online savings account only get payday loan direct lender payday fugitive mastermind build payday loan in olathe ks easy skill points payday 2 payday 2 flt installation payday pobierz prix dlc payday 2 100 percent online payday loans payday loan law in nc when does dlc for payday 2 come out payday 2 elkjøp payday loans in lombard il payday loans st cloud mn payday 2 dominator team fast payday loans 1 hour top ten payday loans payday 2 respec glitch retail payday express plus parker brothers payday game rules legit payday loans low fee direct payday lenders payday 2 cable guy worth it payday loans in toronto no credit check payday lenders unemployed get approved online payday loan payday loan email marketing payday loan agreement sample payday 2 buying masks play payday 2 on lan payday loans lender list instant payday lenders not brokers problem paying back payday loans blocking payday lenders walmart payday loan payday the heist how do you get upgrades payday loans bad idea payday 2 loadouts payday loans 23455 payday 2 best primary weapon ghost authorized payday payday loans camden ar payday 2 unlimited body bags steam payday 2 price no broker fee payday loans payday 2 big oil guia how to get more skill points payday 2 micromania reprise payday 2 most reputable payday loan companies payday loans near catonsville md payday loans way out mascara payday comprar big oil keycard payday 2 payday loans no credit check required big bank payday 2 wiki payday 2 how to open atm with ecm payday 2 hoxton begins mask alternatives for payday loans payday 2 modding program payday loans baownbeuv direct lender payday ace review payday 2 wipe loans for bad credit online not payday loans payday loans in west virginia payday 2 disconnecting from host payday loan depot reviews is payday 2 player split screen payday loan burnsville mn fast payday loans guercmorteo payday 2 wallpaper 1366x768 payday loans howdotofound online payday 2 xbox steam forum payday loan paper check failed to create game payday the heist payday advance in chattanooga tn online payday loans laws in texas i need a payday loan fast payday 2 personalizzazione covo payday the heist ign prime pounds today payday payday multiplayer na piracie how can you get a payday loan without a bank account payday loan lenders in south africa payday loans in tremonton utah payday programme how many payday lenders are there in the uk fecha de lanzamiento de payday 2 payday loans criticism payday loans on long island 100 online payday loans no phone calls payday loans online uk direct lenders payday 2 john wick keanu reeves how to fix payday 2 steam must be running payday loans tqeovertoz bad credit payday 2 crash end mission payday board game wikipedia military retired pay paydays payday monster review ohio laws on payday lending cheap payday advance online payday 2 class calculator payday 2 buckshot payday loans in sturgis sd payday loans in belton tx como jogar payday pelo tunngle payday 2 teleport payday 2 bain safe house payday loans beechmont payday loan 100 percent approval payday 2 how to use skill points payday companies uk payday 2 delete patch is there a campaign mode in payday 2 insta credit payday loans mastermind payday 2 wiki payday loan jasper al payday 2 split screen xbox 360 payday 2 xbox 360 bewertung why do i keep getting denied payday loans direct payday lenders for unemployed payday 2 how to get all attachments payday loan niche payday 3 film payday loan zip 19 raf payday payday advance loans monroe nc payday 2 official community steam group payday loan illegal in georgia payday freecell pogo games will meowth ever learn payday payday the heist razor1911 payday loan waco tx crack para payday pc payday 2 pc costo payday loans irresponsible lending fast one hour payday loans payday loans enumclaw wa payday 2 random fps drops parche para payday 2 payday modo lan payday loans with same day funding payday 2 ever get masks mod payday 2 save payday 2 para celular payday 2 trainer not work steam community payday 2 payday loans windsor mo payday loans students uk state of new mexico payday calendar payday the heist slaughterhouse glitch payday now loans aurora co walmart payday 2 need a payday loan online payday 2 angled sight payday loans monthly payment payday advance sioux falls east bank payday loan john lamidey payday lending jouer a payday 2 cracké en ligne cheque centre payday loan online payday loan broadview il payday ile zajmuje payday loans in logan payday loan in springfield il payday 2 game cheats ps3 what is the interest on payday loans safe payday loans reviews payday loan settlement reviews payday loans in portage wi payday 2 lvl 50 build payday loan kearney ne payday new maps texas payday lending payday express loan extension bounce ltd payday loan payday advance north york hacks for payday 2 demo payday loans that deal with metabank cartella salvataggi payday 2 payday loan alternatives credit unions payday 2 rats how to cook payday loan up to 10 000 payday loan mate payday 2 chains mask for sale next navy payday payday 2 sniper map how much is payday 2 on psn payday advance vista california payday loans in new minas ns ontarget payday reviews payday lending rhode island payday loans mansfield texas payday heist ps3 gamefaqs payday the heist starbreeze how to get out of payday loan debt fast payday release date ps3 jouer seul payday 2 bipper payday 2 payday 2 online victorval 1 hour payday loan payday loans and scra payday 2 counter strike map payday the heist black border cash central payday loan reviews nba 2k13 next payday bug payday 2 easy money xp us postal service payday loans payday loans ace cash real online payday payday 2 arme coup par coup steam payday the heist forums atlanta cash advance payday loans payday the heist success payday 2 baixaki jogos calculator payday loan red wallet payday loans payday express deposit times awesome masks payday 2 payday in advance online payday ball payday advance loan san diego payday 2 how to get masks xbox payday 2 rats experience payday loan now address payday loans no credit check forum payday 2 ai lua northwest payday loans payday 2 how to mute bain payday 2 how to become infamous payday loan toronto bad credit payday 2 carbon payday 2 armored transport script erase payday loans tennessee payday notice payday loans in senatobia ms cheapest online payday loans independent payday lenders bad credit payday loans could be considered dandy cash payday loan payday loans online with no checking account payday loans in wake forest nc payday law michigan accountnow payday loan payday loans 95820 payday loans tv advert what happens when you do not pay back payday loans trucos para el payday payday loans hereisthebestin bad credit payday loans that accepts saving accounts payday heist 2 weapons impossible de créer partie payday 2 payday loans monroe mi payday 2 blue filter payday 2 electric center glitch payday 2 xbox bans payday the heist extra masks acheter payday 2 en ligne payday loan norcross ga payday loan debt payoff payday 2 disk meşgul payday loans online no faxes payday 2 trainer update 6 reasonable payday loans nacha payday loans easiest payday loan to get with bad credit ufc 158 payday payday loans login uk payday loans tqeovertoz faxless payday 2 ammunition specialist aced payday 2 how to open doors payday loans in bellflower small payday loans cash payday lender not licensed in my state payday 2 level 100 heist payday 2 offline spielen 200 payday loan with bad credit payday loans baownbeuv no teletrack payday 2 four stores stealth guide payday 2 best game ever how to apply for payday loan online high interest payday loan lenders payday loans 90042 payday loans tqeovertoz no credit check payday loans stores toronto payday dlc 3 payday 2 dizi payday steam summer sale payday loans software free where can i get a quick payday loan quick payday loans with bad credit payday 2 bank secret payday 2 how many guards payday 2 walkthrough german direct payday lenders not brokers no credit check where can i get a loan till payday payday 2 1920x1080 problem payday 2 most fun class payday advance in cookeville tn avis payday 2 xbox payday loan pros and cons payday loan 77449 payday 2 trainer v12 payday loan canton oh payday loan shops in oldham payday loan ferratum payday 2 shipping date payday loans south san francisco how to play ghost payday 2 payday 2 wiki hoxton revenge payday loans online no credit check australia white plains payday loan payday loans that pay out on sundays payday loans in 60628 payday 2 best ghost class payday loans forest lake mn flexible payday loans direct lenders payday loans listings 24/7 payday loan direct lender payday loan places in winston salem payday loans online prepaid debit card payday loans blue springs payday 2 dodge payday loans in san diego payday 2 overkill mask dlc payday loans auckland payday advance in columbia tn payday 2 xbox 360 bewertung what does offshore bank account do in payday 2 peachy payday loans reviews ace payday loans medford oregon online payday loans tqeovertoz payday loans direct lender in california payday for service credit union payday 2 rats day 3 defuse c4 legit online payday loans no credit check update payday the heist pc how to unlock stuff in payday the heist can you roll in payday the heist can you buy payday 2 on marketplace payday loans minnesota payday 2 mouse lag sorunu 360 controller payday 2 payday 2 breaking bad mod payday loans anniston alabama payday the heist easiest heist payday 2 best missions for xp how does project payday work ace payday loan.com payday 1 requisiti minimi payday 2 editing mask payday 2 hackers payday lenders in pennsylvania payday 2 es sandbox avantis payday loan payday 2 solo se puede jugar online payday 2 armoured transport review fast payday loans hillsborough ave payday 2 fenster öffnen victoria payday loans direct payday loans no fees fast instant payday loans south africa payday 2 german community payday 2 réinitialiser arbre payday 2 key giveaway stop my payday loan payday 2 gun mod hack morrisons payday bonus march payday 2 framing the frame payday the heist not subscribed do not own the game payday express payment number payday loans per day payday loans on lamar in memphis tn payday loans sc payday 2 secret revealed hoxton mask payday 2 fast payday loans daytona beach fl cash cow payday loans online payday 2 bomb forest no explosives payday 2 dvd cover impact cash payday loan payday loans ruling payday 2 stealth tricks payday advance hollywood florida payday loans dolton il payday 2 best enforcer spec payday 2 configurações payday wiki armored transport personal payday loans with bad credit laws regarding payday loan payday 2 god mode instant transfer payday loans payday hard game instant payday network marketing system payday loan store 60615 payday loans that service pa payday loan richmond virginia best payday loans in az payday loans in urbandale iowa official community payday 2 payday 81 payday loan list management payday advance pico blvd nombre de masque payday 2 online payday loans hereisthebestin payday loans mem capital ps3 payday 2 room filled payday 2 descargar gratis español payday 1 supercomprimido payday 2 coop same console payday the heist cheat engine money payday 2 beta how to get the saw trofeos payday laps3 job description of a payday loan processor payday 2 delayed shipment military payday loans lawton ok payday loans howdotofound faxless payday the heist christmas mask jouer en ligne payday the heist payday sind das die blauen payday the heist god mode pc payday loans 60615 payday the heist save ps3 payday loan tucson payday the heist lan version direct payday loans in uk payday 2 manette xbox pc payday loan what is low rate online payday loans compétences payday 2 payday 2 interactive skill tree overkill payday patch planque payday 2 emerald marketing llc payday loan payday anyday scarborough loans b4 payday payday 2 resenha payday 2 update 2 skidrow payday 2 updates too much payday loan stores in hamilton payday shuffle juniper payday geht payday zu zweit payday loan store lombard go bank payday 2 walkthrough payday 2 full infamy tree payday loans mcdonough ga payday bank secret When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”

Notes

No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.

{ 9 comments }

Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”

Addenda 

  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.

{ 10 comments }

Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →