payday 2 xbox 360 ecran partagé payday 2 oyuna başlama payday loans in naperville british payday loans in canada indian payday loan commercial payday 2 burning money payday 2 cant join servers payday loan midlothian va payday 2 xbox xp glitch binkw32.dll is missing payday the heist payday 2 easy fast money payday 2 slow mo glitch payday 2 community group loan mart payday loans prix payday 2 ps3 payday uk facebook payday advance 24 hours how to level up solo in payday 2 bank account payday loan payday 2 anda lento abc payday loan phone number big syke payday when does payday 2 come out for ps3 payday rules pdf payday 2 wiki mark 10 payday 2 fluchtwagen payday 2 update 2 ps3 framing frame payday 2 number of guards illinois payday loan phone number payday 2 multiplayer fix v2 ace payday loans in brunswick me requisitos minimos do payday 2 payday 2 big oil no notepads how to apply for a payday loan payday 2 jewelry overkill payday facts how to deal with payday loan default payday loans 80110 payday loans ftc easy payday loans las vegas payday loans bennington vt project payday opinions payday loans in ny payday advance buffalo ny georgia payday loans direct lenders project payday best method payday loans in vernon bc de payday loans payday loan no checks no broker payday 2 mission election payday 2 dance mod oregon payday loan license payday 2 mods ps3 valor payday 2 steam payday loans in harford county maryland payday 2 deagle vs bronco payday channel 5 payday the heist multiplayer v1.6.0 exe do you have to be 18 to get a payday loan certified lenders payday advance payday 2 online na piracie payday gage 2 payday loan providence ri payday forest chicago payday swing dancing payday loans for saturday payday loans hereisthebestin no teletrack faire un bon braquage payday 2 payday 2 gone in 240 seconds cash payday loan payday 2 der elephant big oil payday the heist how to play multiplayer payday loans covington wa payday the heist bewertung what does mobility do in payday 2 can you combine payday loans best payday loans in the uk payday 2 collector annule payday 2 can you respec perk decks states allowing payday loans lender payday loans no credit check payday loans online for pensioners jewellery store payday 2 payday 2 xbox 360 guia payday loans via telephone payday the heist patch august poner payday the heist en español cash converters payday loans online payday 2 pc pobierz payday loan the colony tx payday loans 64110 payday loan amendment payday express debt recovery team if you have two or more payday loans payday 2 cloaker cloaker check payday 2 version payday 2 infamy update cheapest online payday loans payday 2 top tips payday 2 more body bags payday advance money mart no abre el payday 2 payday 2 dragon mask payday express fernley nv payday loans millington tn payday 2 reqs payday the heist lvl cheat canada pension payday loans payday 2 cheat fr sinonimo de payday internet payday system review what is your offshore account in payday 2 payday 2 psi bar online payday loan direct lenders no credit check what is the best payday loan for bad credit payday juego online payday loans olathe ks payday cuff themselves payday trainer indir payday advance sterling heights mi payday loan on savings account unemployment online payday loans payday style masks easy payday loans sacramento payday 2 bleh bleh payday 2 good assault rifle payday game review payday 2 thanatos scope payday loans newhall ca hometown payday relief payday 2 the film payday advance florence sc payday big oil engine table chase payday loans hydra financial payday loan 12 month unsecured payday loans cheat engine xp payday 2 payday 2 lua api instant payday network craigslist payday advance mt pleasant sc payday 2 lua update 24 payday 2 election day stealth bonus payday 2 dlc release date payday loan to credit card payday the heist tricks reliance payday loan automated paydays la gi payday 2 vollstrecker skill guide payday loans in cranston ri payday loan nd payday 2 com monark apn payday loan payday loan harvey il denver cash advance payday loans payday 2 demarre pas payday 2 ps3 crew payday the heist graphics issue payday 2 recommended skills payday 2 best mission to solo payday 2 mods weapon payday 2 usato ps3 planet payday loans canada payday loan paper check payday 2 level hack payday loans baownbeuv online quick cash payday loan on west florissant payday 2 wiki commando 553 is payday 2 a disk game ign review payday the heist 2 payday 2 gamesradar contact national payday alliance payday loans howdotofound direct lender txt4payday texts payday dlc kaufen payday 2 spendable cash bounce ltd payday loan payday 2 nagant discrete stock payday glitches borrow money till payday how to mod payday 2 for pc payday 2 intercambios virtuales save game payday 2 100 payday 2 ps3 cheat codes payday 2 modding textures payday advance loans pittsburgh payday loans that approve everyone payday 2 last update payday the heist payday 2 mod online payday loans legal in nc payday 2 unlock everything ps3 king marketing payday loan payday 2 skillung deutsch payday 2 beta cant join payday loans cannington payday loan traffic american payday phone number payday the heist on psn payday loans 89014 get a small payday loan payday 2 日本語化 エラー payday advance loans in columbus ohio 100 guaranteed approval payday loans 24 hour funding payday loans payday 2 config pc fast payday loans guercmorteo online payday loans guercmorteo niveau maximum payday 2 payday loans greenwood ms payday 2 how to ecm fast payday loans hereisthebestin payday loan alternative canada payday 2 trainer 1.4.2 payday loans gramercy la payday loans waupaca payday 2 mastermind skills guide payday loans in jonesboro ga recipes for payday bars lloyds payday time no fax direct lender payday loans payday loans in chicago payday loans howdotofound direct lender payday loan system payday 2 nao roda payday loans in oshawa ontario payday loans streetsboro ohio payday 2 geheimer keller avoir c4 payday 2 payday 2 firestarter destroy the guns payday 2 fanta et bob ep 6 payday lender legislation erase payday loans payday loans columbia mo payday pokemmo payday 2 collector edition content payday loans no credit check or upfront fees payday the heist online hamachi payday the heist ps3 tipps payday advance inkster mi credible payday lenders can you be prosecuted for payday loans in california payday 2 criminal edition requisitos payday advance johnson city tn secret payday 2 achievements oregon laws regarding payday loans payday loans in detroit michigan payday 2 instant drill lua how much to start a payday loan business payday 2 card drops payday 2 dlc fest hershey payday gluten free payday 2 the diamond 20 favors payday 2 best mission for money solo payday loan express finance list all payday lenders low interest payday loans in pennsylvania payday loans siren wi etnies payday chino payday bot pokemmo payday 2 gage courier packs payday the heist diamond heist achievements payday 2 demo friends fast payday loans jacksonville fl payday 2 level guides when is payday 2 coming out on xbox live rolo payday loans payday the heist clear the roof reputation payday the heist payday loan in bc payday 2 mask probability what game engine does payday the heist use payday loans military dependents euro payday loans configurar payday 2 payday 2 mouse lag fix windows 8 payday 2 assets lasercorn payday payday 2 weapon mods cheat how to find direct payday loan lenders payday 2 artmoney table payday 2 safehouse cash fastest payday loan lenders payday 2 lua script after patch payday 2 boost fps colortyme payday loans manchester nh zest payday 2 payday 2 how to get all weapon mods payday loans madison al como acelerar payday the heist fast payday loans baownbeuv payday loans denison ia payday loans in montreal quebec payday advance in killeen armas payday the heist does wells fargo do payday loans payday advance loans atlanta ga payday loan mason ohio payday 2 skill tree ca payday loans direct lender fast payout payday 2 update stuck at 0 evergreen riverside payday loans no credit check payday loan las vegas payday 2 pc glitch payday loans that actually work payday loans bank of dave payday 2 sale price payday 2 suit only payday 2 technician or mastermind payday 2 no funciona easy payday loans usa payday the heist burak payday loans in clarksville indiana payday the heist graphics patch payday 2 silenced payday 2 official soundtrack payday loans in searcy arkansas problema payday 2 no inicia payday 2 infamy 2.0 wiki payday mediamarkt bad credit no direct deposit payday loans payday the heist anleitung payday 2 free assets early riser payday how to make payday wolf mask payday chimano compact cash payday loan company payday loans in plano tx payday loans in americus ga steam payday 2 crack payday belfast trust payday 2 démarre pas payday 2 xp skill bonus military payday falls on sunday payday loan store wage assignment payday loans like one click cash payday loans atlantic city nj payday 2 ps3 segunda mano payday 2 best perk deck online payday loans faxless payday 2 police brutality how to play co op in payday 2 pc payday 2 pirate perfection steam must be running payday loans that service arkansas payday 2 beta requirements bdmobi payday loan payday 2 hoxton minecraft skin payday 2 usb hack payday 2 gage sniper payday 2 carshop guide payday deviantart payday updates payday 2 best setup payday loans guercmorteo faxless payday the secret reddit payday 2 jacket build wonga payday loans mobile site payday 2 ghost nerf payday advance in jonesboro ga trainer payday the heist steam payday loans in solihull payday 2 firestarter day 2 security box when i start payday 2 nothing happens payday loan online maryland bad credit instant approval payday loans payday 2 ekşi sözlük no bank account need a payday loan payday 2 cannot join game systemkrav payday 2 signature payday loans in las vegas shotgun accuracy payday 2 paydaymax installment loans payday 2 how do you make masks payday 2 como usar c4 instant payday loans in uk payday 2 crochetage coffre payday 2 the procedure entry point payday 2 avatar no credit cheque payday loans 360 payday 2 payday default fov payday 2 meilleure competence payday loan yorkville il east coast payday loans payday l9ans payday loans from £50 payday lending laws in florida payday loans instantly approved payday loans state laws payday loans wa state payday candy bar wholesale payday loan company online payday 2 skill tier bonus payday loans poplarville ms payday loans in rocky mount north carolina payday 2 noclip payday loans castlerock payday 2 xbox ireland payday loan ohio law payday 2 bilderrahmen tresor payday loan brandon mb does project payday pay payday loans with longer repayment payday loans midwest city oklahoma payday accept guaranteed what day is payday at toys r us payday 2 laptop problems texas payday law final wages jogo payday requisitos payday 2 wiki sociopath payday loan no fees no credit check payday loans installment payments payday 2 overkill compensator payday mango payday loans direct lenders no brokers uk payday 2 crack update 1 payday loan for new york state payday xbox 360 mercado livre payday 2 multijugador pc meu payday the heist abre e fecha property payday show payday 2 teamspeak server payday the heist suits payday arkadaşlarla oynama reviews about online payday loans payday loans baownbeuv bad credit payday 2 easy leveling solo green payday one payday 2 key ebay payday loans hereisthebestin no teletrack payday loans webster ma no rejection payday loan payday the heist dunkelheit houston payday lending loan to payoff payday loans money n more payday loan payday 2 mp5 ninja payday loans rosamond ca payday advance in san clemente ca why do payday loans ask for ni number payday 2 for free payday jackpot payday 2 backstab payday 2 big oil fusion reactor payday 2 guessing game trophy guide payday loan recruitment fire breather mod payday 2 payday loans shops wolverhampton payday 2 anti cheat update payday loans kirkby payday 2 flt update 5 payday lenders for students payday loans 90232 payday 2 achievements that unlock mods northern sky payday loans payday 2 pc ports payday loans tqeovertoz no teletrack payday loans in rialto peachy payday promo code no faxless payday loans ez payday loans albuquerque payday the heist coolshop payday loan 60606 payday loans howdotofound faxless payday loan code of conduct how to use a saw payday 2 solution payday 2 xbox 360 payday loan license missouri payday 2 explication payday the heist waffe wechseln payday 2 how to trade community dean pelton payday rap xbox 360 payday 2 mod tool payday 2 web series legendado payday 2 full version cheat engine payday 2 how to play split screen oklahoma payday loan eligibility payday snack mix payday loan 1 minute payday 2 ost 32 payday 2 wiki first aid payday 2 gun tips payday loans in albemarle nc do payday loans show up on your credit report payday 2 xbox 360 online framing frame payday 2 day 1 lasers jobseekers allowance payday interest free payday loans houston tx devon financial payday loan payday loans woodlawn md payday 2 slimline body payday 2 bbq trailer payday system samp payday loan no direct deposit required savannah payday loans payday review metacritic payday 2 icarly are online payday loans illegal in texas arvore de skills payday 2 payday loan lender list what the best weapon in payday 2 recipe payday bars When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”


No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.


Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”


  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.


Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →