Family emergencies, lies and Match.com: Papa fesses up

February 2, 2011

Note:  last week’s post was a prelude to this one.  You should read it first.

It was a particularly arduous day for a Friday.  Mimi was out of town.  Aunt Belle, who was supposed to be helping Papa with the boys, had an emergency.  (I’m not sure what the emergency was, but it must have been bad, because on my way home from work, I spied her hanging out at Starbucks with her AA friends.)  Moose had not taken a nap and had been up to new tricks (swinging from the chandelier and picking the refrigerator lock) and Jax had been running around like he’d been doing shots of espresso.

By the time I got home from work, Papa was just beginning his third martini.  As the evening wore on, he was giddy and quite talkative.  Taking advantage of the opportunity, I broached a subject on which he’d been uncharacteristically silent—Match.com.

Not surprising considering the amount of alcohol he’d ingested, he was willing to talk.

“The problem is,” Papa said, “the ones that I like, don’t like me, and the ones that like me, I don’t like.”

I was curious.  Beans are naturally outgoing and pleasing to the eye and usually make a good first impression.

So I asked to see his profile.  This is what I found on his computer:

StudMuffin    Papa's original profile pic. Photo by Jax.
Hair What hair?
Eyes Green
Body type Greek Adonis
Profession Exotic Dancer at the Lady’s Club
Exercise habits I ride a bike everywhere I go except for the time I got hit by a truck and then I took an ambulance.
Likes Martinis, sangria, kilts, reruns of Seinfeld, Bob Newhart and Rockford Files (and if it’s not on cable, baby, you can find it on Hulu.com).
Family Two ex-wives, both drill sergeant housekeepers who harassed me and called me slothful (no wonder I couldn’t stay married to them).  Three daughters.  Daughter 3 has been trying to find herself… for 20 years.  Daughter 2 is divorced and in therapy.  She’s also a card carrying member of AA which means we have to drink our booze in mugs and pretend like we’re drinking a lot of coffee. Daughter 1 is so damn picky that she had to go to the bank to become a mother.  Rooster, my rat terrier, and I live with Daughter 1 and her two little monkeys in her house with a Pekingnese who gives the word “bitch” new meaning.We come as a package deal.  Willing to relocate, but you should have a big house and a garage large enough for 17 bicycles.
Hobbies Gossiping.  Riding my bike.  On recycling day, I like to look in the neighbors’ bins to see how much booze they’ve been drinking.  Writing smart ass comments on my daughter’s blog.  Looking for spare change in parking lots.  Finding shit on the side of the road (hey, one person’s trash is another’s treasure).
Ideal vacation With Bride 3, I’d like to take a honeymoon bike ride across Iowa where we would take a picture of every corn field we pass. Then we would hang out with my friend Stalker, eat tacos, drink cheap booze until the harvest at which time we would ride back home taking pictures of the same fields.  When we return home, we could publish a book, Fifteen Thousand Iowa Corn Fields:  Before and After, which would surely be a New York Times bestseller.  We would use the proceeds from the book to buy some more bicycles and camping equipment.

 

I looked over at Papa after I read through it.  He seemed very proud of himself.

“Where did you get that picture?”

“Jax took it.”

I just shook my head and changed the subject.  “How old do you tell these women you are?”

“Jenny, everybody on Match lies about their age. I figure 10 percent isn’t that big of deal.”

“Shit, Papa, 10 percent isn’t bad when you’re 20, but at your age it’s almost a decade!”

“You’re mighty picky for someone who claims to be 38 but is actually TEN PERCENT older.”

I didn’t say anything.  Instead I concentrated on revising his profile.  Here’s what we came up with on the second round.

RenaissanceMan    Papa's second Match profile photo.
Hair Distinguished
Eyes Bedroom
Body type Fit
Profession Businessman
Exercise habits  Avid cyclist.  Enjoy rowing, yoga, and running.
Likes Moonlit walks on the beach, sunrises, romantic candlelit dinners, picnics in the park and classical music.
Family Three highly successful daughters, two adorable grandsons and two pedigreed dogs.
Hobbies Volunteering at the soup kitchen, traveling to exotic places, salsa dancing, playing the trumpet.
Ideal vacation Anywhere in the world as long as I’m with my true love lavishing her with all of the good things life has to offer.

 

In addition to the new profile, Papa, who is part-owner of a small business that employs college kids, changed the company’s application form to include the following:

  1. What does your mother look like?  Please attach a picture.
  2. Is she married?
  3. How big is her husband?

Between the new profile and the new applications, Papa started generating a lot of interest.  A LOT OF INTEREST.

He went on three dates and fended off several dozen young things who appeared to be looking for a sugar daddy.  Then Sylvia down the street caught him snooping in her recycling bin, and he asked her out. 

After he and Sylvia started dating, he went on one last Match date with a nice woman whose company he enjoyed.  He made a second date with her but then canceled at the last minute because he started feeling guilty that he might be two-timing Sylvia. 

When I asked him what excuse he gave for canceling, he said, “a family emergency.”

“What family emergency?”

About that time, we heard a loud crash upstairs.

“There’s always some kind of family emergency around here,” he said.

True, but it was still a pretty lame excuse.

The next day I caught him walking Sylvia’s dog….  I think they might actually be going steady.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Irene February 2, 2011 at 7:20 am

Honestly, I kinda like the first profile! LMAO!

And here all along was Sylvia right down the road! So much for Match.com.

Papa February 2, 2011 at 9:14 am

I’ve found out some interesting stuff about online dating. First there are over 110 women between 48 and 65 years old on match.com who live within bicycle distance of Maison Bean. AND they have surprisingly similar profiles. If you hate long walks on the beach, you don’t have a prayer. You better like traveling to exotic places, wine tasting, candlelit dinners and exploring new things. Helping out around the house, being attentive to your partner’s needs and watching sunsets together are BIG. No one ever admits to being grumpy in the morning.

You get the idea right away that everyone over 30 is lying about their age. My rule of thumb is to add 4-6 years to their age or the old 8-10 percent rule. I had to lie otherwise everyone would think I’m over 70, and I’m NOT over 70.

If you don’t smoke, don’t ever date someone who says they smoke occasionally, no matter how good they look. My first date was with a smokes-occasionally. Her 30-year-two-pack-a-day voice was a dead giveaway that she was lying about the occasional part. We went out on a cold night with about 15F wind chill. I declined her invitation to step out for a cigarette until she gave me the hey-asshole-I-have-a-loaded-gun-in-my-purse look.

Body type on Match are described as slender, average, curvy or a few extra pounds. About 15 minutes before leaving on my second date, I noticed that body type was left blank. I discovered that’s because there was no can’t-see-my-feet category.

The whole thing was an interesting experience and beats the hell out of hanging around bars.

Pamela February 2, 2011 at 9:53 am

There’s your NYTimes best selling book, Papa Bean: the over 60-men’s guide to dating online!!!

My ex-F.I.L., who also rides his bike everywhere (except when he takes his custom converted van out for a spin), fishes for women on plentyoffish.com, and whenever he is traveling, he sets up dates wherever he goes. He recently brought my teenage kids home from a visit, and he had set up a twin bed in the back of the van for them to sleep on the drive from Arkansas (yes, I should have admitted that first). He dropped them off, came inside to spruce up, and then said he was driving to pick up his date. In the van, with the twin bed. We tried to explain to him he just couldn’t pick up a woman he’d never met for a date with a bed already made up in the van. Sadly, he saw absolutely no issues with this. However, he did admit later that the date did not seem to go very well…

Beth Stevenson February 2, 2011 at 11:48 am

Those two stories about dating are right on! LMAO! Tell your Dad hi for me! Beth

Nicole Litwin February 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You mean the women wern’t beating down his door with the first profile? Shocking. If you guys were closer i’d set him up with Mimi my MIL’s mother who likes to drink Corona, play Wii bowling and talk about sex with the other drunk grandma’s and kicks my ass at Scrabble every damn time. Seriously, every damn time. Cheater.

rtcrita February 2, 2011 at 4:02 pm

This is just too cute! I see where you get your sense of humor from. (Or is it that you have to have one to live in your house? :))

Papa has some nice legs there, and any women that would date him could possibly double her wardrobe by sharing his skirts!

Is he willing to wear the Sean Connery mask on a date if things look “promising?” That could be a plus for some.

sharmstro February 2, 2011 at 5:34 pm

You made me laugh Daughter 1. And yes, no doubt where the sense of humor comes from. I, too, rather liked that first profile 😉
Shanon

Jenn February 2, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Irene: Papa liked the first profile better too, and he doesn’t know what LMAO means. I had to translate.

Pamela: Papa went VAN shopping today. The neighbors already think we’re crazy.

Beth: thanks for visiting. Come back again. Bring friends. I publish on Wednesdays.

Nicole: I had to translate MIL for Papa. He was intrigued. Wanna play Scrabble on Facebook?

Rita: Papa’s been preening because you said he has nice legs!

Shannon: Don’t tell anyone, but I like the first profile better too!

Thanks, ladies, for coming to visit.

Night-night, Jenny

Betsy at Zen Mama February 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Thanks again for the smiles and a big laugh!! Actually instead of book, this should be a TV series!!!!

S.I.F. February 7, 2011 at 2:23 am

Oh this is SERIOUSLY cracking me up! Glad you were able to help him out!

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