Raising children and old people

November 9, 2011

My cell phone rang in the office several weeks ago. It was 4 p.m., and I had a project to finish.

Me: Hello.
Grandma: Boo Boo, is that you?
Me: No, Grandma, it’s Jenny.
Grandma: Where’s Boo Boo?
Me: This is my phone?
Grandma: Huh?!
Me: This. Is. My. Phone.
Grandma: He’s at home?! What are you doing with his phone?
Me: I. Don’t. Have. His. Phone.
Grandma: Who has it?
Me: Papa.
Grandma: Why did you answer it?
Me: I didn’t.
Grandma: Yes, you did.
Me: Grandma, I’ve got a deadline. I’ll call you later.
Grandma: Huh?

 

Grandma called five more times during the next hour. I let it go to voicemail….

Grandma broke her hip recently. While she was in the hospital, my Aunt Lilly got a call.

Police: This is the Montgomery PD. Do you know an M.J. Bean?
Aunt Lilly: She’s my mother. She’s in the hospital.
Police: We know she’s in the hospital. She keeps calling 911 and insisting that she’s been kidnapped and taken to a maximum security facility. You’ve gotta make her stop.
Aunt Lilly: What do you want me to do?
Police: Anything, lady. Just make her stop. She thinks she’s surrounded by inmates.
Aunt Lilly: I’m in L.A. Maybe you could have someone check her room for vodka.

 

Bizarre behavior runs deep in the Bean DNA. The other day my little tattletale came into my room while I was getting ready for work.

Jax: Mommy, did you hear that loud crash?
Me: Uh, yeah, I think I did.
Jax: Do you know what it was?
Me: No. Do you?
Jax: It was Papa.
Me: Papa?!
Jax: Yeah, he threw a cup across the room.

 

Thirty seconds later in the kitchen in a housecoat with mascara on one eye, I confronted Papa.

Me: Papa, did you throw a cup across the room?
Papa: It was a water bottle.
Me: Why?
Papa: Because every time I open the cabinet, it falls out.
Me: And so the logical course of action was for you to throw it across the room?
Papa: Yeah.

 

So I told Papa that he was on yellow and one more infraction and he would be on red and in time-out. As for Grandma Bean, she’s still incarcerated, but her vodka was found, and we expect her out any day.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Irene November 9, 2011 at 9:46 am

ROFLMAO! O.M.G! Did you’re Grandma really keep calling 911? That’s just freakin’ hilarious!! Never a dull moment! I want to live next door! I need some excitement! I’ll give Papa water bottles to throw if he wants!

Jenn November 9, 2011 at 10:34 am

I swear she did, Irene. I’m not clever enough to come up with anything that funny.

Papa November 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

Jenny,

That water bottle was someone’s idea of a joke. Why would anyone build a four-pound water bottle out of hard plastic, make it 14″ long and round the bottom so it wouldn’t stand up? Seriously, damn near every time I opened the kitchen cabinet, I’d get hit in the head.

While you were leisurely dressing, I was looking everywhere for Moose’s blue sippy cup—the one he demands—while Jax asked his 1000 question in 10 minutes. So when I opened the cabinet and that bottle hit me on the head for the second time that morning, something snapped.

Don’t even try to pretend you haven’t been there.

Of course, you’re right. Papa should get a red light and go to timeout. Tomorrow morning I’m taking my time out at 7 a.m. until I hear your car leave the driveway. It’s the least I can do to set a good example.

Papa

P.S. By the way, what ever happened to that water bottle? I was looking for it the other day. I’ve decided we should keep it. . . IN YOUR BATHROOM CABINET ON THE TOP SHELF.

LILLIANNA November 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

These are absolutely hysterical Bean family antics! I think I want to be adopted..I would fit right in..and I think this is something you should consider, because, of course I would have to LIVE there. My dogs are just as Neurotic , well, Bear definitely is with his OCD. Pete spends most his time sleeping and peeing himself..so that should be cool right? Let me know..my house is almost packed up anyway.

Lot’s of Love!

Lilly

Ally November 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Is it bad that throwing the water bottle across the room would probably at least have entered my mind? Even if I didn’t act on it? LOL

Grandma calling 911? Oh my. So funny. Well, probably not to them, but still.

Betsy at Zen Mama November 10, 2011 at 7:48 am

Thanks for the smile today! When my life seems crazy, yours seems crazier!!

Sandra November 12, 2011 at 12:23 am

All I can do is laugh. I suspect my days of relative peace and quiet with the elderly in my life are numbered.

Kristy K. James November 12, 2011 at 12:47 am

Thank you! It’s been a really long day and I needed the laugh. Just picturing the frustration of the officers getting the calls from your grandma is enough to make sure I giggle myself to sleep tonight!

As for the water bottle… I’d have probably thrown it, but most likely in the trash rather than at a wall. :)

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