Bean Law

March 6, 2012

Papa's additions to the grocery list: prune juice and All-Bran.I once decreed that if you were to leave your house on a Saturday looking like shit, you would have a 25 percent chance of running into an old boyfriend.

On Saturday I amended the law:  if you go to the grocery store looking like shit with a contrary toddler in tow and a list that includes prune juice and All-Bran, you are guaranteed—100 percent—to run into your old boyfriend.

And his wife. And her 2-carat diamond ring.

The toddler will be raising hell because he wants a helium balloon that you don’t want him to have because they always get tangled up in the ceiling fans that are always mysteriously turned on (most likely the ghost of Emma Louise).

The erstwhile boyfriend will look at you, the screaming kid, and the contents of your buggy with appall.

The new wife will look at your naked finger and smile smugly and say, “Jenny, I didn’t know you’d gotten married.”

And you will somehow summon uncharacteristic aplomb (most likely channeled from the ghost of Emma Louise) and wink and say, “Who needs a husband?!”

Note from Jenny:  I. Am. In. Hiding.  That is the last time I will ever buy prune juice and All-Bran for Papa.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Irene March 7, 2012 at 8:58 am

AWESOME COME BACK!!!!! Screw her and her smugness! Give her time! People like that who never had kids usually never grow up. They have NO idea! They still act like overgrown high school teenagers. Kind of spoiled. And completely clueless. Oh, they have to deal with bills and high gas prices and the lousy drink on the Caribbean island, but they don’t know what life really is. And from the sound of it, this bitch couldn’t handle motherhood! All I can say is that your life is SO much more enriched than hers. Her loss!

Ally March 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

That really was an awesome comeback! And OMG, it is just the law of the land that those are the times you’ll run into them. Happens.Every.Time.

Heather March 7, 2012 at 7:27 pm

First your night gown (previous blog) and now All Bran! And I completely agree with Irene, his loss! Btw, I do ALL of my grocery shopping online at HT. Miss you tons!

Papa March 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Being a vegetarian, I like to think of myself as a *regular* guy.

But cancer drugs can put a stop to that. Naturally, “she who can’t keep a secret” has to spread the news to the world wide web. Leave it to Jenny–before this is over, a Google search for “irregularity” will bring up Papa Bean first.

So in typical Bean fashion, I’ll pass the buck: ninety-nine percent of what I know on the subject I learned from Mimi’s side of the family. Jenny, you know this is true. If you weren’t such a Mimi-chicken you would have point this fact out on the blog.

Chicken, cluck, cluck.

Jenny March 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Irene/Ally: I try. And you’re right–it is the law of the land.

Heather: I think online grocery shopping is definitely in my future!

Papa: pleeeeeze–that is such an indelicate subject. I was simply pointing out what you added to the grocery list.

Still humiliated,


Betsy at Zen Mama March 8, 2012 at 11:26 pm

You should do what I did… move 1000+ miles away from your high school. Now the only place I run into old boyfriends is on facebook where I’m always gorgeous, dahling! And my kids look cute, too!

Jenny March 9, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Hah! Maison Bean might fall apart if we tried to move it 1,000 miles away! The good news is that I’m 200 miles away from high school. The bad news is that I live in the same town I was living in when I was in my 20s.

Sandra March 24, 2012 at 7:07 pm

If it makes you feel any better, the prune juice and All-Bran in my buggy are for me.
I’ve had so many exes that I wouldn’t remember one from the next…~skulking away with my head hanging very low~

Kristy K. James April 9, 2012 at 1:50 am

Fortunately I don’t have to worry about contrary toddlers anymore (though I kind of wish I did). I always figure it’s going to be the day I put my shirt on inside out (done that), haven’t washed my hair, got about two hours sleep…and am buying tampons when I’ll run into someone I’d rather not see.

Prune juice though? There’s gotta be a better solution than that. 🙂

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