Blogher, pee-pee mishaps and dirty laundry

August 24, 2011

By Papa with insightful commentary from Jenny

Jenny left for the airport to go to Blogher about 6 a.m.* At 6:02 I heard the unmistakable sound of little feet running through the house and little hands that were working the hell out of a squeaky ball. Squeaky balls are like crack for canines.  Both dogs went crazy barking and running after the little feet. I made my way downstairs.

*No, no, no.  It was 4:30 a.m. when I left.

The sun was NOT up.  I must have used my outside voice* on the way down because boys, dogs and squeaky ball were back in bed. Moose’s bed was wet, so I pulled off the sheet, the mattress pad, a fluffy diaper and his t-shirt. We** just started potty training so I put the boy on the potty and took the bedding to the washing machine. Before Jenny left, she showed me a drawer full of sparkling white Moose t-shirts and told me there were plenty of them to last while she was off cavorting on the left coast. Under NO circumstances was I to wash anything white belonging to the boys.

*That’s not a voice—it’s a roar.

**What’s this “we” shit?

I’ve never been able to understand the complicated way women wash clothes.* Why not just throw all the stuff in the washer, add bleach and soap? Works for me.

*This is why all of your stuff is one color—grungy grey.

Unfortunately, the potty chair isn’t Moose proof. In the 34 seconds I was gone,* he removed the bucket from the seat, put it on his head and then commenced peeing in a potty with no bowl.

*Dumb, dumb, dumb.  Never, ever, ever leave a naked Moose alone.

I cleaned up the pee on the floor and then I made breakfast.

It took about 15 minutes to find a working sippy cup and make coffee. While I ate my oatmeal, Moose had an oatmeal bath and shampoo. I changed his t-shirt before it stuck to one of the dogs.

At least there was some light outside so we woke up Jax and took the dogs for a short walk. We came back eight minutes later, and I changed Moose’s t-shirt AGAIN. It was only 7 a.m., or more to the point—one WHOLE hour before I could take them to Wee School. I put the whole crew in the backyard and locked the door.*

*That’s a lie—you don’t know how to lock the door.

Fifteen minutes later Moose rang the doorbell.  His t-shirt was streaked with mud, and he was crying, not because he was dirty, because his brother had the ball he wanted.

We decided to leave for Wee School a little early. I loaded the little Beans in the car along with all their school stuff and a flower for teacher who was taking early retirement—apparently one week of Wee School was enough. The boys made a fuss because Rooster wasn’t with us.  Since it was early I went back to Maison Bean and got the dog.* While I was at it, I picked up a few extra t-shirts (just in case).

*Since when do you listen to anyone else, especially the little people?!

Rooster, the flower and spare t-shirts rode up front in the passenger seat. Rooster was looking out the window one minute and at that plant the next. Before I could say anything, he did the leg lift* over that plant and t-shirts. When we got to school I washed the dog pee off the plant and rinsed out the t-shirts at an outside spigot.

*This is why bitches are superior

The teacher seemed happy to get the flower.

Jenny was gone for two hours and I already had six dirty t-shirts.

*By the time I got home Sunday, all of Moose’s t-shirts were ruined.  I didn’t even try to salvage them.  I just went out and bought more.

Final note from Jenny
Blogher recap coming… eventually.

It saves on laundry to let Moose run around naked.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Luna August 24, 2011 at 3:36 am

That is a seriously beautiful picture. How does it feel knowing you make gorgeous kids?

Jenn August 24, 2011 at 4:23 am

Luna, you made me laugh. I refuse to cut those little curls (for now) and sometimes Moose is mistaken for a little girl even though he’s running in little boy john-johns with skinned knees and a Thomas train clutched in his dirty little fist.

Irene August 24, 2011 at 7:55 am

Oh, I wouldn’t cut those curls either! I think my Charlie was around 5 before I gave him his first hair cut. His little blonde curls were just too cute to cut. His hair is dark brown now and wavy.

I would love to know what happened for the rest of the time you were gone! I’m thinking comedy series here. It could be called “Jumping Beans”! Papa rocks!

I would have just gone out and bought new t’s as well. Not worth the effort to try to wash them.

Jenn August 24, 2011 at 9:15 am

Irene: Mimi had a nervous breakdown and had to be sedated. The house was a wreck when I got home and Papa was in the sangria.

I’m liking the Jumping Beans idea!

LILLIANNA August 24, 2011 at 9:51 am

Moose is becoming quite the “looker” what a Great shot! He is growing up So darn fast..unbelievable! and DO NOT cut his hair!!!! think 60’s..

LILLIANNA August 24, 2011 at 9:53 am

Oh, and remember Benadryl and xanax for Everyone! Dogs, Kids, Papa!!!

Pamela August 24, 2011 at 8:30 pm

OH MY GOSH, Moose is gorgeous! And it sounds like Papa had fun and won’t admit it.

Kid Id August 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm

This is hysterical and brilliant! I love the inserts of truth. Especially the one about since when has it been “we.” Heh heh. Amazing how everything falls apart when we’re gone, huh?

Sandra August 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Fathers make it sound like there’s only drama on their watch…If I didn’t know any better, and since I wasn’t at BlogHer I know…but if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this post was written by my husband. Love your inserts Jenny! And good post by Papa!

Ally August 24, 2011 at 11:50 pm

“never leave a naked Moose alone” – LOL – only a mother would know that without even thinking twice. Ha! Hysterical post. Loved it.

Katie August 25, 2011 at 8:15 am

bahahahahahahahaha this was so funny!!!
& OMG THOSE EYES I’m going to come steal him.

Jenn August 25, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Lilli: Send Xanax!!

Pamela: I think it’s an image he tries hard to cultivate.

KidId: I think it’s actually a ruse. They want you to think that everything falls apart.

Sandra: Thank you! And Papa thanks you! (Papa loves an audience.)

Ally: As always, thank you!

Katie: No need to steal. I’ll hand him over. I guarantee you’ll have him back inside an hour. He’s a high maintenance Moose.

Craftwhack August 26, 2011 at 4:55 am

Ha! That was awesome- I love stories that feature lots of pee, and your commentary was priceless. And little Moose? He’s adorable eating that apple that’s almost the size of his head!

lulu August 26, 2011 at 5:01 am

a very beautiful post.. 🙂 so cute..

Mommy's Paradise August 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm

He he, I’m still cracking up, Papa is so funny. And the pee incidents (Moose and the dog), they can only happen to a man (sorry papa, but it’s true). And my Hubs would tell me later ‘but it wasn’t my fault’. 😉

Shell September 5, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Oh I just about fell out of my chair! I am now officially blog stalking you (and Papa)…y’all are HILARIOUS!!!

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