was ist payday 2 paydayuk postal address minecraft payday bank payday loan stores in appleton wi payday 2 single player xbox 360 payday programme channel 4 louisville payday loans payday 2 upgrading your safehouse payday loans on el cajon blvd payday 2 doctor doom mask payday loans fast no credit checks payday loans near baldwin park instant uk payday loans online payday 2 firestarter full stealth payday 3 cheats payday loan tampa fl payday 2 xbox 360 solo payday loans in margate fl trust payday.com payday 2 on computer payday 2 review parents payday the heist wiki pl payday loan us bank payday 2 how to dominate payday 2 sprint nick withington payday advance loans payday 2 xbox release date payday 2 dying payday 2 dlc mod payday loan uk lender payday advance monroe mi same day quick payday loans payday 2 buscapé payday loans in temple texas easy loan payday loan north county payday loans inc payday 2 the elephant framing frame stealth payday 2 pumpkin achievements unlock silencer payday 2 quando esce payday 2 no brokers payday loans direct lenders only payday first broker bank of america payday lenders payday take home calculator salvataggi payday 2 ps3 payday 2 best way to get masks payday wiki panic room payday heist physxloader dll guzz et porto payday payday loans tqeovertoz direct lender paypig payday loans how to saw doors in payday 2 60 minute payday mobile payday the heist herausforderungen payday loans in thomasville ga national consumer law center payday loans more money payday loans can i get a payday loan with a green dot card bad credit payday loans lenders flexible payday loans uk project payday inc reviews i need a personal loan not a payday loan aceben payday loans best place to get payday loan with bad credit payday 2 trophy guide no credit check payday loans direct lenders uk payday 2 tabs payday advance 76116 payday 2 ps3 salle pleine requerimientos para payday 2 pc fast payday loans hereisthebestin payday loans york uk what day is payday at ups payday loans goose creek sc terri savelle foy when payday comes uwa payday payday 2 being stealthy payday loans chesapeake va existe payday para xbox 360 payday loans tqeovertoz online payday the heist baixar personal loan bad credit not payday payday 2 load times reinitialiser point de competence payday 2 payday 2 infinite skill points payday 2 mastermind tips armed forces payday loans uk payday soluce beachside cash payday loans illegal payday lenders instant payday network in south africa payday jovem nerd payday loans in portland oregon get a loan that is not a payday loan payday loan mustang ok payday 2 wiki para payday loans can you be arrested payday mask colors sols payday express omaha payday the heist no funciona payday 2 jewellery store solo where can i get a payday loan with no checking account payday loans direct lenders 15 minutes ez payday loans aurora chase liquid card payday loans payday 2 crashing on mission start payday minecraft map 1.5.2 hsbc payday capital payday phone number payday the heist koop payday loans late payment charges payday loans waco texas payday loans howdotofound faxless payday loans baownbeuv faxless payday crosskill 45 payday 2 exp exploit payday advance brampton gov guam payday payday loans reloan ingredients of payday candy bar payday heist intimidating payday loans in de payday loans in dekalb ga how to install payday the heist payday 2 best class tree payday loans in wasilla alaska payday 2 pro job aplus payday loan direct payday lenders comparison payday loan online iowa payday loans howdotofound direct lender payday snack mix recipe payday vipkitipond payday 2 hd npc weapons reddit payday mods how to be good at payday the heist payday 2 mode en ligne payday loans southaven indian tribe payday loan can i go to jail for payday loan vista holdings payday loan payday 2 swing vote payday 2 missione spie payday polar bear payday loans brisbane payday loans lenders no credit check uk payday loan delmar de payday loans aliso viejo ca blitzwinger payday 2 part 12 payday loans howdotofound bad credit what is online payday secret uk payday lenders 24/7 payday 2 goty system requirements payday 2 auf den kopf gestellt achievement payday 2 shotgun slugs letters to payday loan company samp payday script progressive payday ports für payday 2 payday hollister payday 2 ps3 acheter payday offline cheats payday loans in creve coeur payday loan lenders in texas payday game argos payday loans 80207 payday 2 random lag spikes payday 2 mask off cheap payday loans for unemployed payday loans guercmorteo no teletrack payday 2 patch 7 one hour payday loans uk installing payday 2 payday loans crescent city ca payday success virtuose flint payday loans liberty payday loans review payday red dot sight stealth payday 2 bank can illegal payday loans sue you payday loans in ramsgate payday the heist compact i need a quick payday loan payday abattoir payday loan in indianapolis payday 2 infamy hackers payday 2 how to stealth car shop ps3 payday the heist no mercy payday the heist mission successful sentry gun in payday 2 online payday system real payday 2 release steam payday 2 car shop lag payday the heist steam statistics how do payday loans work in california payday 2 gage sniper payday 2 repack indir payday loan rules in washington state payday the heist präsidenten masken atlanta payday loan lenders payday lenders association payday 2 säge bekommen payday 2 clover red hair payday 2 pc mf payday loan mexia tx payday advance in salisbury nc valid payday loan companies payday xoda payday loan interest comparison payday loans canada instant payday loan thousand oaks payday uzi express finance payday loans payday 2 diamond store robbery acs payday services payday pawn havelock nc payday loan laws texas payday loans h and t payday loans nj descargar crack payday 2 pc payday 2 skill point calculator payday 2 bestes visier small payday loans in south africa payday loans marshfield missouri payday 2 best support build probleme payday 2 lancement what system is payday the heist on payday the heist opinie i need a 3rd payday loan payday 2 casing mode 1 month payday loans canada payday cash direct lenders payday loans windsor ca payday 2 ecran noir ps3 payday loans allied payday loan no references payday 2 planks of wood cheque book payday loans payday 2 casino release date payday 2 fantome cme santee payday loans payday loans mobile app payday loans phone application dr miserable payday payday loan places in greensboro nc payday 2 destroy the weapons payday loan in georgetown tx payday heist cheat engine health how to run payday the heist faster aaa payday loans springfield mo payday silent killer build online payday loans tqeovertoz payday the heist counterfeit c4 trap payday 2 gamekings payday loans 45066 when does the update for payday 2 come out payday 2 pc pas chere community choice financial payday payday loans lansing ks payday 2 underdog perk payday loan in fairfax va trucos payday 2 demo ps3 payday loans website template payday 2 not opening steam payday loans in new albany ms payday hold on tight guaranteed instant payday loans no credit check payday 2 good mods payday 2 choosing class green gate services payday loan payday loans in atlanta ga no credit check cash wizard payday loans legit same day payday loans payday loan niche payday 2 optimization mod payday loans for bad credit no faxing payday loan palatine il payday express wiki a1 payday advance what is payday loan company payday big oil engine table payday 2 system requirement payday 2 lancement fast 3 month payday loans payday 2 how to split screen online payday loans reputable payday loans hazel dell washington not brokers payday loan lenders payday 2 vorbestellen payday 2 escaping with bags vegetta777 payday 3 100 guaranteed payday loans bad credit payday advance loans interest rates american payday loan in washington dc cashtons payday loans high prairie payday loan commercials native american payday 2 specials recommend a payday loan company payday loans lewisville tx payday loan trade show payday 2 big oil intel locations payday 2 cheat engine level bluethread payday payday loans no debit card lenders payday the heist diamond walkthrough payday loan chino hills payday 2 beta best gun payday 2 metal detector payday 2 atms top ten direct payday loans payday 2 angle grinder is online instant paydays legit faxless direct lenders payday loans payday 2 park escape achievement payday skin gta san andreas tem como jogar payday 2 co op offline can you apply for multiple payday loans payday loan letter templates payday 2 out of map payday loans in napa ca configuration pour jouer a payday 2 payday 2 xbox or pc payday loans baownbeuv direct lender payday cheesecake recipe payday 2 collectionneur tablette no checking account payday loans houston tx payday 2 official community on steam payday dance vine is payday 2 out on psn payday loans aliso viejo ca online payday loan laws in texas payday 2 joinen nicht möglich payday 2 valve anti cheat steam payday 2 won launch triche payday 2 xbox 360 payday the heist sdk payday 2 skill lua my jar payday loan review payday lenders benefits payday iphone case national association of payday lenders payday loans new hampshire laws payday 2 wieviel missionen payday 2 msvcr100.dll payday 2 big oil mission engine what is project payday how does it work online payday the heist payday joyeria payday 2 spring break website payday loans jane st stratford payday loans payday 2 lvl 60 build payday loans springfield missouri payday loans online in ky payday loans low fees payday 2 bulletstorm payday 2 web series episode 1 payday 2 beta money hack texas car title and payday loans lubbock online payday loans in usa how to get a non payday loan with bad credit payday loans instant payout direct lender is us payday loans legit como hacer las mascaras de payday payday loans peru il payday loan humble tx payday 2 descargar full español where can i get a payday loan without bank account how to stop payday loans from calling payday the heist unlocking masks payday 3 next gen ez payday loan review faxless payday loans in canada is automated paydays fake fast payday loans california payday loans for android tma loans co uk apply payday payday loans canada employment insurance payday 2 spendable cash top 10 direct payday lenders uk payday loan seagoville tx payday loan dawson creek project payday affiliate program payday nation fax number parkway one payday loan payday loans guercmorteo no teletrack payday 2 weapons dlc test de payday 2 sur ps3 sterling cash payday loans payday loans baownbeuv faxless payday 2 cat burglar bugged payday 2 armored transport release payday 2 best bank payday loans tqeovertoz no teletrack payday 2 what is offshore account for default on payday loans in colorado payday advance phone payday loans hereisthebestin no teletrack payday 2 how to find train heist are payday loans legal in ohio payday 2 max armor build payday 2 how to get day 2 payday 2 stuck on 100 payday 2 offline xbox payday 2 no alarm bank payday 2 the infamy update complaints payday express payday loan danville va payday loans pueblo west co kiedy premiera payday 2 payday loans hack payday loans average apr payday loan what do you need payday loan post office account statute of limitations on payday loans in maryland payday 2 aio update cmg group complaints payday loan instant payday network system how to stop paying interest on a payday loan how to get another payday loan payday 2 8 bags on garage escape payday kaskus payday loan for terrible credit payday loans for bad credit in new york payday the heist multiplayer crack v3 payday loans money saving expert payday speech payday loan companies in sacramento payday 2 unlock all colors payday 2 beta framerate payday 2 olx payday 2 trainer tool payday 2 uscita xbox 360 payday assault duration ver payday pelicula team payday 2 ps3 urgent cash payday loan payday loans licensed in illinois payday 2 tips tricks payday 2 masks chance long term payday loans no credit check canada multiple payday loans ohio cheapest payday loan companies guaranteed payday loans in uk upgrade drill payday 2 payday 2 as du volant payday loan 64154 money payday loans online netpdl payday loans info payday phone marine fed military paydays abusing payday loans payday loan conway sc ps3 payday 2 gameplay payday one lawsuit payday loan lenders in ga payday loans guercmorteo no teletrack payday loans hereisthebestin faxless payday loans birmingham uk payday 2 cuantos niveles hay payday loan slc ut payday xmas present payday loans sunny payday 2 nie chce sie odpalic payday 2 convincing pager payday 2 trainer 1.23.3 payday loans indianapolis 46241 payday 2 viaduc payday 2 builds no infamy rock hill south carolina payday loan payday loans hereisthebestin no teletrack faxless payday loans in alberta washington laws on payday loans payday loans in gladstone missouri payday 2 knives wiki no teletrack payday loans las vegas payday the heist counterfeit arg no fee direct lender payday loans lovemoney payday loans payday 2 extreme lag payday but how achievement payday zonaleros payday 2 red/black payday 2 akimbo pistol messiah descargar dlc de payday the heist ezmoney payday loans montgomery al payday advance chino payday loans poteau ok reputable low interest payday loans payday loans uk with no credit check payday loans howdotofound direct lender payday 2 halloween hack fast free payday loans payday loan list of direct lenders small payday loans for unemployed payday loan with basic bank account payday 2 dominator team payday loan kapaa payday 2 all skills glitch payday 2 mask list When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”

Notes

No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.

{ 9 comments }

Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”

Addenda 

  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.

{ 10 comments }

Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →