will payday 2 get more maps payday loan lenders only no brokers uk payday 2 hrk payday loans kailua kona payday loans on broad street when is military payday for navy federal payday 2 best safe house payday loans exponential growth my jar payday loan review telecharger mise a jour payday 2 payday free dlc denied online payday loan payday loan laws in tx payday 2 xbox vs ps3 payday loans brokers payday 2 discussion forums new payday lenders only no brokers payday loan san bruno payday 2 safe house achievement latest payday 2 patch payday magyarosítás letöltése payday loans 76180 payday 2 soundtrack flac payday 2 payout calculator guaranteed payday loans by phone text for payday loan payday loans 39532 game payday deals payday loans lake wales fl payday the heist controller xbox merkley payday payday advance evansville payday 2 joining problems combine payday loans into one payment large payday loan companies payday express loans money shop payday 2 endgame texture pack how to convert in payday 2 payday loan in lowell ma payday 2 planning payday 2 private match what does visibility mean in payday 2 airdrie savings bank payday loans payday advance spring lake nc payday 2 gun stats explained payday para pc supercomprimido 1000 dollars payday loans usa today payday loans payday 2 career mode payday 2 xbox 360 gamespot payday loans no credit check on benefits payday uk pay on sundays payday 2 find the explosives payday sharks payday 2 shotgun primary payday loan providers in uk what kind of loan is a payday loan payday lenders legislation instant payday loans in 15 minutes crack español payday 2 payday 2 l4d2 who regulates payday loan companies in canada instant payday loans at night payday artillery barrage how to play payday 2 on splitscreen payday kein vollbild payday lender in maryland texas car title and payday loans irving tx payday the heist asda payday uk problems forum payday 2 the elephant framing frame payday advance loans in ocala fl payday the heist psn ps3 can include payday loans iva payday the heist razor1911 payday the heist christmas update payday 2 bank heist guards payday 2 limited edition xbox 360 cheat on payday 2 can i go to jail for payday loan payday loans in calgary alberta best payday loans utah payday 2 console patches payday konusu how to get more than one payday loan in florida payday the heist dark knight debit card payday loans chattanooga online payday loan cash today fremont payday loans payday 2 cheat hack payday the heist no mercy alarm box ez money payday loans birmingham al descargar update para payday the heist best weapon for enforcer payday 2 payday 2 access violation instant payday network login page codigos de payday acs law firm payday loan payday 2 levels payday first cfo pew charitable trusts payday loan california payday license payday 2 cop turret payday the heist offline lan crack requisitos recomendados payday 2 payday starbreeze payday 2 how to find train heist no fax payday loans online direct lenders payday wolf skin payday loans nh payday 2 rats mission glitch payday 2 forum deutsch payday 2 unlimited favors what do you need to get a payday loan from money mart jogos do payday 2 how do you pay off payday loans payday 2 bank package locations masque payday 2 sprzedam payday 2 payday 2 on xbox 360 payday 2 bank crash payday loans online no credit check uk advance america payday loan corporate office payday undercover easter eggs payday loan lenders in texas avis payday the heist ps3 payday 2 buy money tunngle payday 2 waiting for game to respond payday 2 gage weapon pack xbox 360 payday 2 soundtrack dlc payday loan calling my job how to get a money mart payday loan is payday 2 split screen pc how to create a game in payday 2 cashbob payday loans payday the heist ps3iso fix para payday 2 ps3 payday loan companies atlanta ga payday game for ps3 repayment plan payday loan instant payday loan no fee cash stop payday advance payday buffalo reviews payday 2 highest paying heist payday podcast payday loans through netspend online payday uk payday 2 saw and c4 payday 2 big oil day one lucky charm payday 2 wiki payday verbindung fehlgeschlagen payday 2 patch september teacher payday loan payday 2 slickdeals beacon payday loans payday loans you can get without a bank account online payday loans baownbeuv payday loans markham il are payday uk any good payday loans in pa legal payday 2 how to get jacket for free payday loan no direct deposit required franchise for payday loans payday 2 pc compucalitv changing masks payday 2 ace cash payday loan review payday the heist can you get all upgrades where to find payday board game payday loan store lombard hawkblue llc payday loan green gate payday loan payday loans bemidji minnesota cold fusion research payday 2 cash to payday grand cayman secure online payday lenders payday loans highest apr classes payday the heist payday 2 mods unlock payday loans howdotofound bad credit payday 2 ideal damage payday 2 stealth election day payday saint tropez payday loan no broker instant how do you get out of payday loan debt payday 2 xbox 360 mission 1 payday 2 computer demo payday loan abu dhabi payday 2 whitehouse payday mask how to bad credit payday loans in florida payday 2 framing frame day 3 tips upgrade drill payday 2 como jogar payday the heist via hamachi payday the heist how to get masks ps3 payday the heist outfit payday 2 protagonist payday the heist requisitos de sistema best payday loans mn payday 2 can you max out all skills payday 2 mod shadow payday 2 new dlc my pounds till payday payday 2 soundtrack this is our time payday loans with no check how many times can you level up in payday 2 ace payday loans rock hill how to customize payday 2 masks uk payday loan default rate payday 2 solo glitches payday 2 flt update payday 2 fenster payday take home calculator click to cash payday loan descargar physxloader.dll para payday payday 2 police detected a dead body check n go payday loan review payday the heist how do i upgrade texas payday law for terminations bad credit payday loans in pa payday loan companies that lend direct payday 2 how to play train heist how to get different guns in payday the heist direct payday lenders no third party no credit check payday loans greenwood indiana payday loan help kansas payday the heist how to level up technician what happens if i cant pay payday loans cash america online payday loans ck marketing payday loan reviews payday loans martinsville in payday protector bug payday 2 jacket voice actor payday 2 bike mod baixar payday the heist pc payday the heist gameplay pc hd requisitos payday 2 para pc payday steam crack indir payday loan 32210 payday loans in mableton ga payday rutesheim payday advance columbus ohio steam payday 2 the long guide payday time payday the heist power level payday 2 robbery extra funds payday loan address online payday loan savings account payday 2 xbox 360 target payday 2 find engine steam payday 2 problems payday 2 auftrag kaufen payday 2 audio crash brant loans till payday purchase payday loan portfolio payday 2 car4 mods payday 2 masks hack xbox technician build guide payday 2 payday pc indir payday 2 save set payday 2 ecm feedback buff payday express omaha ne payday 2 car shop solo stealth payday financials purple snake payday 2 payday loans in union city ga ps3 payday 2 freezing what is the offshore account used for in payday 2 payday loan in 1 hour top direct lender payday loans payday loans in lockport la payday 2 how to change difficulty payday 2 how to put mask on payday 2 how to open a window payday 2 winrar mem consumer finance payday loan payday loan advancements payday loans database payday project payday 2 bulldozer health payday 2 beta tunngle payday 2 perfect stealth payday loan paid back in installments closing bank account to avoid payday loan same day payday loans online no faxing payday 2 changelog update 11 payday loans 46231 payday 2 pc kopen payday 2 how to customize weapons payday heist bank can i get a payday loan if i have bad credit payday 2 screen tearing payday 2 startet nicht mehr payday heist ps3 gamestop payday ski lift park city payday loans 63042 payday the heist unlimited sentries payday 2 c4 technician build payday cloaker quotes payday loans laveen az payday loans guercmorteo no credit check payday 2 voting cards payday loans miamisburg sunday payday loan uk payday 2 xbox occasion infiniti payday loans payday 2 mm ghost payday 2 play with team ai payday 2 instruction manual payday 2 skidrow reloaded payday 2 deposit boxes pattern payday loan 80014 purchase payday 2 mask payday 2 custody glitch payday 2 beta release zopa payday loans 1 hour payday loans no brokers payday 2 where can i buy payday instant lenders direct lenders fast payday loans payday 2 free psn plus texas car title and payday loan taylor tx davenport payday loans how to get infinite money in payday 2 repaying payday loans victorville payday loan payday 2 graphics optimization is payday loans legal in maryland best 1 hour payday loans payday 2 how to reconnect payday 2 dr fantastico payday 2 peli cash payday loans online automatic payday loan how to play payday parker brothers payday lenders in georgia payday heist boring payday loans that accept metabank payday 2 misja 1 top payday loan lenders payday 2 diskusia payday 2 trainer 1.27 my payday 2 beta wont open if u dont pay a payday loan what happens fast cash advance payday loans toronto issa payday ez payday loans janesville payday 2 best build solo payday 2 car shop walkthrough payday 2 how to unlock more heists legit payday loan yahoo c4 build payday 2 payday loan apr uk cannon finance payday loan payday 2 hamachi lan payday 2 infamous tier 2 grupo payday 2 steam payday shirt payday 2 game single player tous les masques payday cashco payday loan instant payday loans for blacklisted payday 2 safe house cash payday loans for first time customers las vegas laws on payday loans what happens if you cannot pay a payday loan back payday loan midland tx payday loans eden nc payday 2 komplett payday 2 xp rapide california payday advance revolving payday loans suche payday 2 mitspieler how to get masks in payday 2 easy payday 2 cash offshore payday 2 hints tricks payday 2 bilderrahmen tag 1 payday cash advance marquette mi dangers of cash advance payday loans payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check payday advance 77433 compass payday loans payday 2 forum pc payday 2 deagle vs bronco payday 2 webisode payday 2 clover actor payday multiplayer crack v6 payday loans class action lawsuit bc payday loans pocomoke md payday loans in downtown la payday 2 train heist name payday loan guide payday 2 hack after patch payday loans reston va payday 2 pc voice chat what payday loans are the best for bad credit payday lenders mortgages 150 pound payday loan bis select committee payday lending payday money center pacific beach payday 2 single shot mod payday 2 how many paintings payday 2 xbox 360 pantalla dividida payday 2 beta hud payday 2 live action series payday loan glendale ca payday loans waianae mall payday 2 special inside man payday the heist gefälscht und undercover payday 2 jak grać online payday 2 cracked online payday 2 jewelry store bags fast payday loans belleview fl payday loan savannah georgia payday 2 latest update payday loan hot springs arkansas payday 2 clarion short barrel 1 month payday loans canada payday 2 infamy leveling direct payday loan lenders no credit check uk payday 2 framing frame steal the items payday 2 como ganhar muito dinheiro payday loans and new york payday loan for 300.00 payday the heist quick reputation fast payday loan online payday loans without faxing or credit check payday 2 as single player quick payday loans lenders only sentry gun build payday 2 cashline payday loan payday 2 goonmod changelog payday loans standard bank payday 2 schlagring payday loan castle rock co payday loans centers error payday 2 steam payday lars moston payday 2 hoxton and clover payday 2 day 7 spring break low criteria payday loans what is the level cap on payday 2 payday the heist graficos project payday usa how to rob bank in payday 2 payday loans lehi payday loans in el sobrante ca payday 2 key steam generator aurora payday advance payday the heist 2 career criminal edition skindex payday 2 payday 2 car heist right computer checkline payday loans payday loans for ny payday money store independence mo payday 2 how to use dlc payday loans borger tx what are the best payday loan places payday the heist law enforcers irvine payday loans payday counterfeit walkthrough project payday money no credit check payday loans in new orleans how to buy c4 payday 2 payday loans in pasadena ca payday loans in brick nj advance payday loans careers direct payday lenders no credit check uk payday loans that charge by the day payday 2 gameplay lan payday loan consolidation springfield mo payday the heist kinofilm payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check who uses payday loans payday advance warren mi ace payday loans virginia is payday 2 3rd person cracker payday the heist payday virus payday loans union city tn not paying my payday loans payday loans 33304 payday 2 xbox bans direct lender payday loans in ohio payday 2 modding sounds 350 payday loan payday searchlights if u dont pay a payday loan what happens payday loan places in va payday 2 review 360 payday 2 pc game price payday loans in payments payday loans howdotofound bad credit payday 2 mod tool fast payday loans baownbeuv payday overkill masks payday the heist patch online paperless payday loans for bad credit payday advance chapman payday loan with cheque book retirement pension paydays When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”


No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.


Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”


  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.


Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →