Reptiles, nuptials and drag queen attendants

April 1, 2012

With the occasion of Moose’s birthday, Papa once again broached the idea of a puppy for the boys.

“We’ve had this conversation before,” I said.  “And the answer is still no.”

Sensing defeat, Papa tried to bargain.  “A cat?”

“All I have to say about that is—LITTER BOX.”

“A bird?”

“Are you out of your mind?”

“A hamster.”

“You’re asking me to have a rodent in Maison Bean?”

“It’s not as bad as all of that,” Papa said. “They are domesticated, you know.”

“You may know it, but Rooster doesn’t.”

Rooster is a rat terrier and he once earned the name “killer” for a very brief period because he inadvertently committed murder when he caught up with a portly chipmunk.

Papa was determined that the boys would get a new pet and he was as relentless as a drunk without hooch.  His suggestions started to venture into the exotic and outlandish.

We finally agreed on a miniature turtle.  Just one, mind you.  I didn’t want any turtle procreation going on.

Papa ordered it online and then he left town with Mimi.  They were going to Vegas.  The idea was hatched one evening over martinis.  It had been a particularly rough winter at Maison Bean.  Chemo treatments are hell and toe reconstructive surgery isn’t exactly pleasant and a game of black jack or two and some shows sounded like a good way to relax.

I was glad to get rid of them.

I was in the kitchen making pizza dough when the FedEx man arrived with the turtle.

Sissy and Buzz, who were hanging out at Maison Bean, signed for the package.  (They live in a shoebox across town and Buzz has developed a disturbing attachment to my garage.)

“Papa must have ordered the wrong size aquarium,” Sissy called from the living room.  “This crate is big.”

And then while I was tossing my dough, I heard the disturbing commentary.

“Holy shit!”

“Mommy, we have a dinosaur!”

Rooster was barking his head off (Hyacinth was on kitchen duty with me), and Sissy was screaming.

And then Rooster came chasing it in the kitchen, except that it was no turtle.

Copyright CanStockPhotoIt was big—about 4 feet with a creepy-looking with a row of spines down its back and a long whip-like tail.  Some kind of prehistoric nasty thing.

I guess I tossed the cornmeal I was holding up in the air, and it was all over the kitchen.

The dogs had cornered the monster and it was hissing, and everybody was screaming.

I’m amazingly calm in tense situations.  I opened the back door, grabbed the broom and stood on the kitchen island from whence I shooed the hissing monster out the door.  Then I bolted it, and we had a debriefing.

Turns out the monster was an iganua.

I put the zoom on my camera and took a picture of it in the backyard and then texted it to Papa.

WTH?! 911!  Call asap.

Then I called Animal Control.

After about an hour, Papa texted back.

Turtles out of stock. Substituted reptiles. Started day off with bloodies. Ended up in chapel of love n p.m.  Honeymooning now.

The picture that accompanied the text showed Papa and Mimi looking very happy.  Papa was wearing his kilt. Mimi was wrapped in a feather boa looking quite glam.  Elvis was with them and two drag queens, who appeared to be wedding attendants, were smiling broadly.

“Sissy!” I yelled.  “Get out the tequila!”


You do know it’s le poisson d’ Avril today, don’t you?

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

hopefulcc April 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

I logged in just to see your post today, Jenny! True to form – you delivered a great post to celebrate the day. Thanks for putting a smile on my face 🙂

Ally April 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm

This morning when I awoke, I said to myself, “Self, we are not going to fall for any April Fool’s jokes in the big World Wide Web today.” I carefully opened each email awaiting me, and skillfully did not fall for the old photo scanning place that offered 25% of full body scans to be stored for a lifetime in their Red Bluff, CA location. “Ha,” I said to myself. “See, I can weed these out.” Then I went about my morning run and promptly forgot about April 1. I opened a few blog emails, skipped to the actual blogs and enjoyed 10 minutes of reading. I saw Jenny Beans blog notification and barely contained my excitement as I clicked over to read the latest adventures at Maison Bean. There, I fell hook, line and sinker for the whole damn story. 🙂 Nicely done, Jenny. Nicely done.

Betsy at Zen Mama April 1, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I would have been very disappointed if the story didn’t end this way!! Love it!

But then I suddenly realized what the poisson d’Avril was! Bravo!

PS My son called today to tell me his girl friend was pregnant… how’s that for an April Fool’s joke?

Shannon April 1, 2012 at 8:53 pm


Though I was really looking forward to a picture of Papa, Mimi, Elvis and the Drag Queens….

Shell April 2, 2012 at 8:00 am

Me too Shannon!

Got me Jenny…ya got me.

Papa April 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I’ve read this post three times and nowhere does it say Jenny shot me for buying a big-ass lizard.

This is good news.

This means it’s not life threatening for Jax and me to buy Jenny a once-in-a-life-time birthday present. To be honest Jax has been on me to make this purchase for about a year but I was too big of a chicken. We already have a name picked out. M-i-c…k-e-y RAT. I know it doesn’t rhyme but we’re working on that part.

None of Jenny’s close friends or family were April Fooled by this post. Right off the rat–sorry, bat–when she said she was in the kitchen COOKING while Sissy and Buss were in the living room, we all knew it was some kind of joke.


papa April 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Where the hell is Irene? I miss the girl.


Irene April 2, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Hi PAPA!!! (((HUGS)))

Ok, call me a sucker! I’m the most gullible biotch! I really thought Papa sent an iguana! And was getting married! I almost had to go get a tequila myself! Oy!

portia April 3, 2012 at 12:50 am

I know better than to believe anything you say on 4.1— you have gotten me het up too many times, and now I am wise to your ways.This, however, was one of the more clever concoctions, excepting the Las Vegas part. Mimi is way too classy for that.

Jenn April 3, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Awww, ya’ll, thanks so much.

Life has been crazy, insane busy, and I had to write this post at 2 a.m. while Moose and Hyacinth snored beside me.

P&P (Papa and Portia): watch out. I’m going to be particularly relentless next year.

xoxo, Jenny

Kristy K. James April 9, 2012 at 2:05 am

Very creative, Jenny! You got me, too. Glad to know, though, that you didn’t wind up with a miniature dinosaur in your house and yard. I’m afraid I WOULD have shot someone for that! 🙂

Heather April 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I cannot believe you got me! I am weeks behind on your blog:( I have known you forever and I cannot believe I believed you. My guard was down!

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