By Saturday I would have forgotten the counterfeit episode of my life (if you haven’t read that, you need to do so before going any further), but Papa kept blathering on about it. He was very nervous and agitated, and I did my best to ignore him, which isn’t hard with two baby Beans running around. At 18-months Moose is a terror, and I caught him trying to blow up insect repellant in the microwave. (This is not Bean embellishment. It is true. I couldn’t make that shit up if I tried.)
By nightfall, I was worn out and happy to put them both to bed. Then I took a bubble bath, donned my favorite nightgown and got in bed with a supersized glass of chardonnay and a bowl of ice-cream to watch the BBC shows on ETV. Halfway through Ballykissangel, I turned off the lights and the TV and went to sleep.
Hyacinth was snoring away, and I was having a delicious dream featuring George Clooney on a deserted island. It was a lovely warm, breezy day. The water was crystal clear, and George and I were frolicking in the surf au naturel when suddenly there was a loud banging.
“Shit. The feds are here.”
George looked alarmed.
And then Hyacinth was barking and Moose was crying and the loud banging continued. George disappeared before I could ask about my Christmas present.
Just like a man.
I sat straight up in bed. It was 2 a.m., and my heart was pounding. Damn, Papa was right, I thought, still fuzzy-headed. When I opened the door Hyacinth stopped barking and Moose quieted down, and standing before me was a miniature FBI agent loaded down with pillow, blanket, stuffed monkey and large dinosaur book.
I’d been holding my breath, and I let out a loud sigh.
“Okay, baby, but if George Clooney comes back, you’re going to have to get in your own bed.”
“Who is George Clooney, Mommy?”
1) Having two kids makes you pragmatic about stuff. I wasn’t going to ask George for anything frivolous for Christmas, just a housekeeper, a live-in nanny, an addition to my house and a lump sum of cash—you know, so that I would have more time to blog and all—which brings me to my next point.
2) This post is an aberration. Unfortunately, I am too busy to post more than the once-a-week-Wednesday.