Beans say and do some funny things, but not all of them warrant an entire post, so I write them down on little scraps of paper that I find floating all of over the house, in the car, in my desk at work, in my coat pockets and even in Rooster’s bed. I finally compiled the ones I could find, but I fear that there are more to come. (Note: Papa is busy compiling his own list.)
Enjoy!
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It was raining. I picked Jax up to carry him to the car.
“Ow, Mommy!!!” he said, shifting uncomfortably.
“What?”
“You was hurting my peanut.”
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Midnight. I’m asleep. The door bursts open. The light comes on.
A raid? The FBI? My sleepy brain goes into overdrive.
Jax runs past me to my bathroom. “Mommy, I have to go poo poo.”
Note: if you don’t know why I might be worried about the FBI, you really should go back and read about the bad $20 Papa gave me in Countertwitter Money.
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Jax: Knock, knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Jax: Banana Cream Santa Claus.
Me: Banana Cream Santa Claus who?
Jax: Banana Cream Santa Claus with peas on his head.
Where do they come up with this shit?!
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Me: You hurt my feelings.
Jax, pointing to my eyebrow: Are your feelings here?
Me, pointing to my chest: No, they’re in here.
Jax: In your heart with Jesus?
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Jax was acting silly. Moose laughed.
Me: Moose thinks you’re funny.
Jax: No, I not. I handsome.
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At Maison Bean we eat a lot of bananas. When Papa and Moose were going to the grocery store one day, I asked Papa to buy some. He said he would buy a small bunch because he was going on a Costco run the next day.
By the time they returned home, there was one banana. Moose ate three bananas. (The kid can eat, but I don’t think it’s fair of Papa to blame THREE bananas on him.)
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Me: Jax, where did you get those chocolate eggs?
Jax: That bunny gived ‘em to me.
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Mimi had to leave early. Papa had the boys for 45 minutes before I got home from work. Moose was an infant and Jax in the midst of potty training.
I knew things weren’t good when I drove up and saw Jax’s rug hanging over the porch rail. When I walked in the door, the house was dark and all was eerily silent except for the drone of the TV in another room.
In the living room, I found Jax glued to the TV. Moose was strapped in the infant bucket. And Papa, who had to clean up a poop explosion, was sitting in an easy chair looking shell shocked.
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Mimi once gave me a tube of Chanel lipstick. This is what happened to it.
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When he recycles, Papa hides all the booze bottles under the other junk we’re recycling, so that it doesn’t look like we drink as much as we do.
And on recycling day, he takes Rooster and Hyacinth for an extra long walk. He peers in our neighbors bins to see who’s been drinking what and how much and then he comes home with a report. Yesterday, he said that the Pularskys, who live next door, had enough sludge left in the bottoms of all of their vodka bottles to keep a street bum happy for a week.
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Papa and I used to play Scrabble on Facebook (until I won six games in a row and he decided he didn’t like playing with me anymore). One Saturday last year when Moose was about 10 months old and still crawling and cruising, Papa would play, then he would sign out of Facebook on his computer and then I would sign on and play.
It was my turn and Papa was supposed to be watching the little Beans. I made a nice triple word score and got up feeling triumphant only to discover Moose in the kitchen sitting on the floor in front of the refrigerator eating blueberries from a Costco-sized carton.
We’ve since had to put a lock on the refrigerator.
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Late one night about a month ago, Papa was staring intently at his computer screen, so intently that he didn’t hear me walk up behind him.
There was a suggestive looking woman on the screen, and he was reading her profile.
“BUSTED! You’re doing Match.com, you old dog!”
Papa jumped up startled, knocked his sangria all over the floor, and then tried to wrap his arms around his computer screen.
Papa is doing Match.com alright, and you probably expect a post on that in the near future.
{ 9 comments }
Never a dull moment! I’m glad your keeping records of this stuff! It’s hilarious! Don’t stop, post more!!
Papa’s too funny!
Tell Papa if match.com doesn’t work for him, my ex-father in law is now trying http://www.plentyoffish.com.
No, that’s not a typo.
Those are so funny! Reminds me of when my own kids were little and everything that came out of their mouth was so sensible to them and so hilarious to me. What a pretty shade of lipstick on your child. Hope you were able to salvage a few more dips with a q-tip for yourself!
Enjoyed reading this! Thanks for the smiles!
Pamela Girl, thanks for the heads up on Plenty of Fish. I plan to pursue all leads.
Also, I’d like confess that Jenny was right, for a change, when she pointed out that Moose didn’t eat all those bananas. We work as a team and split all our loot down the middle. At the cheese counter of our grocery store, Moose raises hell, and I point out to the girl behind the counter which sample of cheese will shut him up the fastest. Now that Moose is a big boy I don’t even have to take away one of his toys to get him to raise the ruckus. When he sees all that cheese, he knows the drill.
But don’t get the big head, Jenny Bean. You’re not always right. Let me explains something about little boys to you—when your peanut is hurt, IT AIN’T FUNNY!
Papa
Love it! I wrote down everything funny our boys said and put it into a little book I made for each of them when they turned 13. They love reading all that!
Love the recycling part. Sometimes I want to put a little note out that says, “We had a party with lots of people and they drank all this wine!” But I happen to know that most of our neighbors are winos, too!
Thanks for the laugh I needed it today!
Irene: thanks for coming by!
Pamela: Papa is checking out plentyoffish right now!
Rita: The ol’ Q-tip trick. I know it well. And, yes, I did salvage the last of it.
Papa: I’ve also compiled a list of all the times you were wrong. Remember that gardenia bush I made you plant in July?!
Betsy: It’s good to have wino neighbors. They make you feel like you’re normal!
Best knock-knock joke ever! Hysterical!
I wish I had written down all the funny sayings my kids came up with. I did write some of them down but I can’t remember where.
I love the fact that your dad scans the neighborhood recycle bins, how else would you know what everyone is really up to.
Sometimes they say something in the morning and by the time I have a chance to write it down at night, I can’t even remember it. I hope it’s mommy brain and not early dimentia.
Papa also gossips. He has the skinny on everybody.
Thanks for coming to visit!
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