By Papa
Grandma Bean can talk your ear off. You would qualify for sainthood if you were on a road trip with her for more than two hours without screaming, “Will you PLEASE shut the hell up!”
Mother Teresa would have pulled a knife on her in half an hour.
In my old age, I have learned how to endure a conversation with her. You just pretend that what she’s saying is a religious chant. Pay attention to the rhythm, become one with the drone, totally ignore the words and find your higher consciousness in the noise. You also have to do your own chanting which, for me, means saying, “Yes, Mother,” every three minutes followed by, “That’s right,” exactly three minutes later. The three minutes is consistent with how often she takes a breath.
If she’s talking and I want a cup of coffee, I say, “That’s right, Mother,” then I lay the phone down, walk in the kitchen, heat up the coffee, pour it in a cup, stop by the little boy’s room, pick up the phone and say, “I know what you mean.”
Imagine my surprise when Grandma Bean told me she was becoming a volunteer for Crisis Center Hot Line. We’re talking about the number you call if you’re suicidal or depressed.
| Me: | You got to be shitting me! You’re counseling suicidal people? |
| Grandma: | Why not? |
| Me: | Don’t you have to listen to their problems—you know, be empathic? |
| Grandma: | I listen to their problems. It’s usually booze-related, and I know a lot about that.
A lot of these people are worried about the effects of too much drinking, so I tell them about my Uncle Hank who almost died of bleeding ulcers from drinking too much when he was 55, then almost died again from too much hooch at 65. When he got the $50,000 a year settlement at 66, everyone said he’d be lucky to collect more than one payment. You remember the time when Hank was 72 got drunk and fell into a cow paddy on Elmer’s farm and you had to clean him up and drive him home? And then there was the time when Hank was 93 and he went to visit Great Great Grandma Bean before she died. He sat by her bed and sang to her, but it turned out she died a day earlier, and Hank was singing those songs to some old lady they put in Grandma’s bed? He was too drunk to know the difference. In the end those people were right who said all that booze was going to kill Hank, but not many of them were still alive when he passed away at 98. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…. |
| Twenty minutes later. | |
| Me: | Mom! Mother! Listen to me. Stop talking, Mother. I got to go. A tractor trailer just ran into the house. I got to go, Mom. Will you shut the hell up so I can get off the phone? |
Great Grandma Bean was the Volunteer of the Year in a city of 250,000 for her work with Hospice and the Crisis Hotline. We need to get her on tape because all that talking must numb people in pain.
Have you voted today?!
Pleeeeeeeeeze vote for me.
Like every day until 5 p.m., May 23!
{ 6 comments }
LMAO! That’s hilarious!
“tractor trailer just ran into the house”*rolling*…..
What makes people talk so much. I can’t shut my 23 year old up sometimes, even when I tell him to clamp it! OMG, it’s like their talking sensory modules in their brains are on overdrive!
Seriously, Irene, I think that’s the way she thinks. You can’t say anything, and if you try, she just interupts you. Papa actually has to drop the F-bomb at high decibels to get through to her, but since this is a PG site, I had to edit that out.
I tend to have friends with the gift of gab. It’s a pretty good balance since I tend to be on the quiet side.
That is until I have something to say, then it’s like trying to enter those high speed jump rope games and have your say without getting flipped on your head.
Hilarious.
This reminded me of my grandmother. She truly was gifted when it came to lecture. Forget saying anything- she didn’t ever seem to take a breath.
Absolutely bloody fantastic!
I think it’s an old age ailment actually. Please God it won’t happen to us!
Haha… sounds exactly like my grandmom 😀
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