By Papa
Jenny did an excellent job describing the Moose Stink, not to mention pulling off a great scam on Papa for free diaper changing.
Now let me take a crack at that smell.
It’s like you buy a bottle of Grey Goose and hide it under your bed so those deadbeats you’re related to won’t drink it all up. When you crawl under the bed to get the bottle, you get stuck and find amid the dust bunnies a passle of very large, pissed-off skunks who have taken up residence. Light cannot penetrate that stink. You scream out for help but the stink blanket muffles sound. In other words, some heavy siht.
Now the bad part—when you come to, you discover those damn skunks ran off with the Grey Goose.
My diet and supplement advisor JJ Lilly is a registered dietitian who went off the reservation when she picketed the hospital where she worked. Her picket sign said, “Eat the crap in our cafeteria AND you’ll never get well.”
My kind of girl.
JJ Lilly recommended a few thousand dollars worth of supplements, which I purchased and piled in a big box high up in closet beyond Moose reach. I call it the Blind Ass Luck Grab Bag Program… just pull a supplement out of the box every few hours at random and take it. Makes me feel better thinking about it.
I’d like to write about the great doctors and nurses at the hospital, but every time I try, I tear up. It’s the same thing with friends, family and all those people I don’t know saying prayers for me…. Go Methodists!
I hope they all know I love them.
A.E. Voodoo, my holistic medicine man is strange. He makes his moves late at night. He’s a climb-over-the-fence-and-come-in-the-back-door guy.
Very weird.
Sometimes we say the Lord’s Prayer. Sometimes we do Buddhist chants or yoga. And sometimes we just sit and meditate. He also loves to play hide and seek with Jax and Moose.
Voodoo has a four-hour tape of a Rockford Files car chase in which Rockford starts in a brown car and ends in a blue car and can’t seem to outrun an old Mac truck—mind altering stuff that is absolutely guaranteed to put you to sleep and make you forget you have cancer.
Then there is my motivation man—a man I never met.
In 2002, I ran the Clarence DeMar Marathon in New Hampshire. Clarence died of cancer. On the day he died, he worked in his garden in the morning before lying down in the afternoon for his final sleep. So now when if I’m feeling a little tired and sorry for myself, I put on my Clarence DeMar Marathon sweatshirt and go for a bike ride.
Note from Jenny (because she always has something to say)
Papa, I take umbrage. There was no “great scam.” Stink has amazing medicinal properties of which you are the propitious beneficiary. The stink and the Methodists—not that they are related in any way—are responsible for the cancer eradication.
{ 6 comments }
“A.E. Voodoo” LMAO! That about sums up those holistic deities! Love it!
The “Stick Therapy” is now a family secret! No one is to ever release (not that they’d ever want to nor would anyone care to test it) the vital ingredients. Replicating it is a time consuming task. You owe your grandson great respect now. He is the new “healer” amongst us. Praise be the Moose!
Take a multi vitamin once a day. Supplements are so over rated.
You go Papa! Glad you’re better!
Go Papa Go!
But don’t give up on the Stink Therapy. I think it has real promise.
Really. Stink therapy works. I know it’s true. I read it on the internet somewhere.
Oh wait. Maybe that was here. Nevermind. Still, I’m sure it’s true.
And you listen to JJ Lilly – people like that know their stuff.
Irene: You said it: “Praise be to Moose!”
Pamela: I think it’s got promise too. I might just start giving Moose prunes and then leaving Papa to babysit.
Ally: I think I read it on the internet too! 😉
I started using powdered greens because, thanks to some issues, I need to ‘increase the nutritional density’ of my diet. You want stink therapy? While it can’t compare to dirty diapers, it has a whole disgusting stink of its own. Even better though, you get some pretty concentrated nutrition if you can force yourself to put it in some sort of liquid and drink it. I’d recommend OJ, with bananas and strawberries, blended well and sucked down through a straw while holding your breath. Just make sure you have something on hand that tastes good to get the residual taste out of your mouth. Cause believe me, a heaping tablespoon of that stuff very effectively kills any fruit flavor in the smoothie. 🙂
With you all the way, Papa!!
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