“Jenny, I’m not going to do it. Listen to me—I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT.”
“Papa, it can’t hurt anything, and there’s a good chance it might be your miracle cure.”
“I don’t know, Jenny….”
At Maison Bean, we don’t do things in moderation. If we’re going to do something, we commit to it, pull out all the stops, and eat, live and breathe the obsession du jour.
So it was with cancer. Papa signed up for a clinical trial testing of a new cancer drug nasty wharf rat protein. And between treatments at the cancer center, he made the acquaintance of a New Age voodoo-talking holistic medicine man who prescribed a regimen of strange herbs and antioxidants, including a daily dose of asparagus and some odd meditation techniques.
There were also the super-connected Methodists who had added Papa to their prayer list. And I had just come up with a brainstorm: stink therapy.
Moose was on an antibiotic, and the diaper changes were UNBEARABLE. It was a stench that would make Rambo cry. A stench that could replace chemical warfare. A stench, I was convinced, that would send lymphoma so far into remission that no one would ever get it again, and in 20 years from now, no one would even know what it was.
Papa and I were having a nightcap and watching a rerun of Raising Hope upstairs in his garret when I finally convinced him…. Okay, so we’d had several nightcaps, but the point is that I convinced him to give it a try, and so for the last two weeks, Papa has been changing Moose’s diapers.
Something is working. I think it’s the stink therapy. The voodoo man thinks it’s the holistic regimen. The doc thinks it’s the wharf rat protein, and the Methodists are taking credit for a miracle.
The PET scan results yesterday showed that all of the cancer is gone from the lymph nodes. The cancer in the bones has shrunk, and we’re going to beat this thing. We still have three more months, but the outlook is good.
Happy New Year!
Notes
*For you cancer neophytes, PET stands for Positron Emission Tomography—an x-ray type thing that shows up cancer.
*For anyone who has ever suggested that the Beans have their own sitcom, you must watch Raising Hope. It’s whacky, zany, and you will laugh.
{ 16 comments }
I just read this to my dad (also known as PopPop), and as a Methodist, he really wanted to take credit, but after spending a week with two boys in diapers, he’s convinced it’s the stink therapy.
I’m just glad Papa is kicking cancer’s ass, no matter what it is that is ultimately responsible!
Hilariously happy news!! I make it my m.o. to always give God #1 credit… but we know He works in mysterious (and sometimes aromatic) ways! Seriously I’m thrilled to know that his body is fighting so well. I know you guys will have a Happy New Year!
Oh, what a relief! Keep giving Moose the antibiotic! Stink and sniff therapy! You may be onto something Jenny! Here’s your millions! Every holistic and organic company will be paying you dearly for that concoction!
I like asparagus. 🙂
GO PAPA, GO PAPA, GO PAPA!
Somehow I missed the Cruising on Crazy post…. Damned “smart”phone. SO glad to hear that the treatment concoction is working. Stink. Prayer. Wharf rat protein. It’s all good! Happy New Year!
Shannon/Kristi: I was praying too, but since I’m a heathen, I’m not so sure it counts. My new theory is that the Methodists–through their prayer–divinely intervened and gave me the inspiration for the stink therapy.
Irene: asparagus has its own stink properties! As far as marketing this stuff, I really need a business manager. You interested?
Amy: actually that phone may be smarter than you think–this way you didn’t have to spend two weeks worrying about Papa. 😉
It’s the stink therapy. A little reverse of the “scare the shit of our you,” in this case, “the shit scares it of papa.” My theory anyway. Great news! Happy new year.
Yeah! Attack it from every angle!
Congratulations on that hurdle being jumped! My aunt used to imagine several nuns in crisp habits sweeping all her cancer cells away. I can see, them brisk, all clean and humming a little efficient song. Try that next!
That is fantastic news that made me smile. And Papa is a brave man – I remember those diapers all too well. Doesn’t really matter which is working, but I’m pretty sure ALL must be kept up now. Which means Papa is on permanent poopy diaper duty???
YAY!!!! So glad for Papa, no matter what is responsible, keep it up! How long can Moose stay on antibiotics? You guys might have to take turns, as antibiotics cause stinky farts too. Laugh therapy is supposed to be great for beating cancer too, but I bet you guys have already figured that out and use that one all the time in your house!
Pamela: Ha!
Betsy: Nuns? I’ll mention it to Papa.
Ally: He’s fallen a little behind on diaper duty since the good news.
Tara: We were practicing laugh therapy before the cancer. We tell some really corny jokes around here!
~clapping my hands~ Hurray for vomit- inducing-highly-toxic-cancer-fighting-diaper-doodoo!
I don’t pray, but if I did, I would so be taking credit for this! Am, however, sending lots and lots of positive vibes to Papa.
Sandra: we are grateful for positive vibes! XOXO
It was definitely the Methodists…or actually the Man upstairs. Glad your father has responded so well.
So glad the news is good! And even happier that my diaper changing days are over. For now anyway. 🙂
I loved this blog and the comments! Go, Papa, go! With the help of the powers above, and all around we will see this beat!
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