Corfu, Greece, 1990
Number one on Miranda’s list of instructions was the toilet, which was too sensitive to take toilet paper or, even worse, feminine hygiene products. And, of course, the first time I tinkled in said loo, I promptly forgot about the no toilet paper rule and flushed away.
The second time I was more mindful, but by then the damage been done, and the water line was clogged, which meant that there was no water with which to flush.
Miranda was the proprietor of the efficiency I was renting for two weeks, and I had a morbid fear of ending up in a Greek jail for my plumbing infraction, so I did not tell her what I’d done. Fortunately, I am resourceful and engineered a solution to the problem.
I emptied a large soup pot filled with water into the tank. This was not as easy as it would seem—the tank was mounted high on the wall, and I had to stand on a chair. I followed this procedure for 10 days, which is really a testament to the strength of Greek toilet paper, because it took that long for the toilet paper to either dissolve or dislodge.
There really isn’t much point to this first story except to demonstrate my history with plumbing problems and antique toilets.
Note: Papa says that there are two plumbing lines—an outgoing and an incoming, and the outgoing cannot clog the incoming. Obviously, Papa knows nothing about Greek plumbing.
Maison Bean, U.S.A., 21 years later
When my toilet refused to flush properly, the first thing I did was to remove the lid of the tank, and there I discovered the water coming into the toilet was somewhere between an excruciatingly slow drip and a slight trickle.
In the tub, I filled a very large soup pot that I emptied into the toilet tank, which, by the way, did not require the assistance of a stepladder. Then I called Mimi who is pragmatic in all matters. Kind of.
“You need a new toilet,” she said, “and not a cheap one. I’ll buy it and your father [that would be Papa] can pay for the installation.”
I agreed and we met at Lowe’s where we picked out a state-of-the-art toilet with a 5-star rating for flush power and an EPA certification for water conservation. The piece de resistance, however, was the height—instead of the standard 14 inches, this toilet was 17 inches tall.
Next I called Dirk, a freelance handyman from New Jersey, who was only too happy to purchase the toilet on his credit card so that he could get credit for the sky miles. Dirk took note of the model number and agreed to be at Maison Bean the next morning when Papa would be home.
I went to bed that night dreaming of a new day and a new toilet.
Late in the afternoon of the following day, I got a call at work from Papa.
“Who is paying for that toilet?!” he demanded. “I thought I told you to get a cheap one. That toilet was a hundred and seventy-five bucks.” [Not true. The toilet was on sale for $169. With tax, it came to $173 and change.]
“We went over this before I left this morning. Mimi is paying for the toilet. You are paying for the installation.”
“Mimi said she didn’t know who was paying for it.”
“She’s probably just trying to yank your chain,” I said, “especially if you used that tone of voice in her presence.”
Papa seemed relieved and hung up.
The phone rang again. This time it was Mimi.
“Your father has lost his mind,” she said.
It seems that Papa got the bill from Dirk and a case of Alzheimers over the division of funds and went ape shit. While he was still foaming at the mouth, Mimi and Jax walked outside where they had the following conversation:
Jax: Mimi, Papa was mean to you.
Mimi: And boorish.
Jax: Yeah. He was acting like an old person.
Mimi: Jax, you’re very astute.
Jax: Thank you, Mimi.
By the time I returned home from work, Papa was having a cocktail and his humor was restored. Mimi left me $200. I gave Papa $175, and then I borrowed $50 from him to pay the babysitter, and he told me not to worry about paying him back.
The point of this second toilet fiasco is that sometimes it’s profitable to have plumbing problems. I have a new state-of-the-art toilet, and I made money on the deal.
Addenda
*If you’re new here, you should know that although Papa and Mimi have not been married for 20 years, but they still fight with one another and on occasion they drink martinis together in the backyard of Maison Bean.
*If you voted Beans for the Circle of Mom Top 25 Blogs on Single Parenting, thank you! I’m no. 12, right smack beneath Sex, Lies and Bacon.
{ 12 comments }
It sounds to me (gut instinct) as though you are flushing your money down the drain and only going through the motions with respect to plumbing. I don’t know much about climbing on a stool to get high on the pot…but, I guess if you are going to spend a penny, then you may as well save a pound. Don’t listen to me though, I talk a lot of crap at times and my sense of humour can be a little pungent. Yeah, I know, it just stinks!
It’s all greek to me.
I know, that was bad.
After all that work and money, that toilet should flush itself! And inform the little beans that ninja turtles can find their own way to the sewers (my neighbors kids flushed their ninja turtles once because they wanted them to live in the sewer……..the road department, back hoe and new toilet later…………………..)
you do realize you can pour the water in the bowl and it will flush the same as it would if you climbed all the way to the tank? I know I am late to the party by around a decade or so but we are prone to hurricanes and have to do it every year when we don’t have power / water toilets flush by gravity, hence the old saying, ” crap rolls down hill” you simply put the water in the bowl, not the tank. good luck in the future.
@ThePeachy1: Damn! Where were you all those years ago?! I could have broken my neck!
Anyone who reads this and knows ANYTHING about plumbing will sleep better knowing Jenny Bean was an English major.
Jenny, do you know how an out-house works? If so, please explain how used tissue could get out of the hole and onto the roof? Now, think of the toilet tank–the thing that holds water–as the roof of the out-house.
Always remember, you can pump water up the hill, but shit always goes down the hill.
Papa
there is never a dull moment in your home is there? mimi and papa sound delightful and quite hilarious. and you sound patient =)
and toilets are stupid. (ours, in our rental property basically exploded and flooded the entire house. to be fair, it wasn’t the toilets fault. but that’s where it came from, so it takes the blame.)
Why spoil a new relationship with squabbling when you’ve already figured it out to perfection with your ex? i think Mimi and Papa have it figured out. Between them they bought you a new toilet in which you netted cash. And Mimi teaches the boys proper English while Papa teaches them to pee outdoors (I don’t know this for a fact, but I’m willing to stake money on it).
Life is good at Maison Bean.
Pamela, you’d clean up on that bet, girl.
Papa
Wow – plumbing problems where you make a profit. Hmmmm, I like that math! Papa’s comments add great spice to the post!
I would love to know how a $173 and change toliet works… please notify the Sankey hosehold if it never clogs. I too am tired of pouring pots of water into the tank or reattaching the thingy that makes the toliet flusher work (mommy Sankey potty lingo). Enjoy your new 5-star state- of -art toliet.
You should probably just buy a Japanese smart toilet now. I think they are supposed to make life perfect.
Hooray for the new toilet! And hilarious story about Greek toilet paper.
And isn’t it a drag when people act like old people? My dad falls into the rut all the time and I let him have it. 🙂
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