A letter to Jenny from Papa

Note:  A day after Mimi, the little Beans and I returned from our trip, I received this letter.  I could not publish it here, however, without including my response to Papa’s nonsense.

Jenny,

I thought the plan was for you guys to hang around Deadville for a few weeks and take an extended vacation in Savannah on the way home? I wasn’t kidding about sending money.

That was your plan, not mine. But you can still give me money.

Man, can that bitch of yours can snore. I finally got so tired the second night that I got a couple hours sleep. Once I got used to the snoring, she started  barking for water in the middle of the night. Now that you’re back, I can’t sleep because I miss all the noise.

If you want Hyacinth up in the garret, that can be arranged.

Let me know if you find any women’s underwear around the house. I was collecting clothing for third world flood victims, and a pink bra is missing. Don’t wash the bra, the flood victim might have a soap allergy.

I wouldn’t wash it. I would put on heavy duty cleaning gloves to pick it up before I burned it in old lady Garfield’s yard.

I did find some kids’ Crocs in pink, orange and yellow while looking for the bra under my bed. Too bad they’re all for the right foot, not that this matters much to Moose. Wearing pink and orange at the same time, both for the right foot, is kind of cool despite what those know-it-alls say at the Wee School. The other upside is that in years to come, we can tell his girlfriends he has two right feet. Payback for dumping out all the shampoo—we could have invested the shampoo money and used it to send him to his first year at college. Now Mimi has to pay the whole bill.

It might be in your best interest to help out. If he has to go to college on the cheap, he might go local and save on room and board by staying at Maison Bean.

Also, it looks like someone broke into the garage. I told the police it must have been some wino cause all they got was your stash. The thief was so brazen, he even returned the empty bottles and put them in the recycling bin. The whole thing stresses me out so much I drank all the wine we had in the house to calm down.

Papa, if my wine is gone, things could get ugly. Real ugly. I suggest you find the thief and have him make reparations ASAP.

A little while ago, I was washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. In middle of all this WORK, I lost the dishrag. I looked for it about 20 minutes before I heard the washing machine running. That’s when I realized the person around here with OCD stole my dishrag. Welcome back, Jenny. Now if you can pry this two-year-old off my head, I’m going to bed.

I shudder to think about all of the bacteria growing on that dishrag. As for Moose, you’re on your own.

Papa

P.S. The funny thing is people probably think I kidding about prying the Moose off my head.