Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Dear PETA,

Flop munches on Jenny's flowersMy name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact.

Color discrimination was just the beginning of the indignities I have had to endure as a member of the Bean family.

Crazy Jenny, hereinafter called “CJ,” is the mother to two boys—a 6-year-old yammering soccer player and a 4-year-old demon child who likes to run around au naturel.  My chief complaint is with the demon child, hereinafter called “DC.”  Imagine my horror when he carried me up the ladder of the swingset and sent me flying down the slide.

I was so traumatized that I hid under the Club House for two hours.

Then just last weekend despite being CJ’s admonitions and despite the fact that he’d spent a lengthy interlude in time-out, the DC carried me up another ladder.  This ladder was to the loft of the Club House where I almost hopped out of a window to an untimely demise.

Fortunately, CJ sensed something was amiss and came charging in before I fell to my death.  I went into hiding again for another two hours.

The 6-year-old with the soccer balls that fly out of nowhere is also a danger to my existence.  I have just narrowly hopped out of the path of one of those missiles.

Flip Wilson Bean trying to avoid the DCOther than that, life is pretty grand.  There’s an old blind dog who ignores us—I don’t even think she know we’re here.  She suffers from senility and often barks to herself.  CJ’s father lives with us too.  The Old Man, hereinafter called “OM,” is always slipping us treats like strawberry tops.  We lounge and graze in the backyard every afternoon unless it’s raining.  Our hutch is kept very tidy.  CJ has a poop fetish.  “Bunny poop,” she says, “is uber manure.”

CJ strikes me as one of those whack jobs who believes everything she reads because she runs around manically sprinkling poop on her tomatoes and flowers.  Other than that she’s pretty chilled out and didn’t even have fit when she caught Flop—I mean Flip—sitting in a pot of verbena pretty as you please munching on her flowers.

And every night, we go upstairs into the old man’s room with CJ and the OM.  CJ and the OM sit in easy chairs in front of the TV, each holding a folded beach towel and one of us.  The beach towel is because Flop—I mean Flip—and I have been known to demonstrate passive aggressive tendencies after encounters with the DC.  The OM is usually the recipient.  It’s quite a spectacle when it happens and sometimes we do it now just for kicks.  The OM is very theatrical, jumping up and down, like a big rabbit himself, while simultaneously yelling obscenities.  And CJ gets so tickled that she snorts wine and laughs hysterically.

Most of the time, things are chilled out and the OM rubs our ears.  He likes us so much that he read Dummies for Bunnies in an afternoon.  (I think he skipped all of the parts about why you shouldn’t get a rabbit.)

It’s not a dog’s life, but it’s not a bad life either.  My reason for writing is this:  Can you tell me if there’s some law that declares it inhumane to put chicken wire around the foundation of a Club House to prevent a poor, defenseless bunny from taking a nap—I mean hiding.   That’s what CJ is planning to do tomorrow.

Most respectfully,

Flip—I mean Flop—Bean

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Irene May 13, 2013 at 3:06 pm

Jen..the poor thing needs a place of refuge from DC. Forgo the chicken wire.

He could always live in OM’s room if things get too wild in the backyard! OM would love that wouldn’t he????

Jenn May 13, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Irene, he was driving us crazy. He’d be out there for a couple of hours and I had visions of the neighbor’s cat hopping the fence for a bunny snack because I couldn’t put him back in the hutch.

I’ve got to come up with a hiding place that the bunnies can get into but that the DC can’t. Yesterday he was a riot running around NAKED after the bunnies.

xoxo, J

papa May 14, 2013 at 12:07 pm

I didn’t like the rabbit idea but then I figured baked rabbit, stewed rabbit, BBQ rabbit or fried rabbit. Now that we got them, I’ll never eat rabbit again.

Okay, I admit it–I never have eaten rabbit.

Turns out they are a helluva good excuse for making a cocktail and sitting around in the backyard. They’re also good company when you’re having an after-dinner drink. And do not forget, your nightcap companionship.

I love these little guys.

Papa

Kristy K. James...Where Romance and Fantasy Collide May 14, 2013 at 4:40 pm

Jenny…you might have to invest in a baby gate…if you don’t have any left. My oldest daughter was given a bunny from one of my brothers (WITHOUT my permission or knowledge). The darned thing fell down the steps and died. No, I did not kick or push it. I might not like boatloads of rabbit poop, but I wouldn’t kill one over it.

Anyway, glad they’re fitting in so well with your family. If you’re ever of a mind to trade them in for dogs, you can have the two that live in my neighbor’s yard. Just come around four a.m. to make the trade. And don’t worry about disturbing their rest. They can sleep through anything. You might invest in some camouflage clothing and face paint …just to be on the safe side. :)

Justine May 14, 2013 at 6:10 pm

I can just picture everything. It’s fantastic. And DC throwing flip (flop?) down the slide almost made me choke on my water (wine). And I’m glad to hear papa loves them. I was not looking forward to a post about lucky rabbits feet…..

Justine May 14, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Oh, and they are so cute!!!!

Ally May 15, 2013 at 11:00 am

Jenny, you have the ability to bring a smile to my face when I most need it. Picturing the poor bunny on the slide – oh boy, you do have your hands full!

portia May 16, 2013 at 3:36 am

oh, they seem so sweet!! I cannot wait to visit them when my nervous breakdown is over. Hopefully that will be soon!

Sherrilee May 19, 2013 at 10:03 pm

I stumbled across your website by chance on Friday, after doing a search for blogs by single moms by choice, as it’s something I’m looking into….have spent numerous hours this weekend reading every post, and am saddened I’ve come to the last one. Your blog actually had me more hooked than my trashy soft porn novels. Your parents are eerily similar to mine, minus the divorce and the healthy lifestyle, and substitute the wine for copious amounts of Coors light (we’re Canadian) and whiskey. While they don’t live with me, they are just around the corner which is certainly close enough. You’ve convinced me this is something I could do…single motherhood….keep rolling out the posts!

Shell June 25, 2013 at 12:12 pm

At least they’re tiny…I mean how much wine can one little bunny consume?

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