October 8, 2012

Back from the abyss… but just barely.

Scene:  Jenny’s bathroom, Maison Bean.  Jax is in the tub with Moose.  Jax has been asking a lot of what-will-happen-if questions, and, frankly, Jenny is tired of answering them.

Jax:  Mommy, what will happen to me if I drink this water?

Jenny:  The dirty water in the bathtub?

Jax:  Yeah.

Jenny:  Mushrooms will sprout out of your nose.

Scene:  Tuesday Morning.  Jenny is buying slenderizing lingerie [read:  euphemism for girdle] from Edith, an elderly sales lady.

Edith:  Jenny, does this really work?

Jenny:  It helps, but if you’re not careful, problems will ensue.

Edith:  How do you mean?

Jenny:  You have to be careful that you don’t buy too small.  You can only suck in so much fat and then it’s got to go somewhere, so it’s going to roll over the top, and you’ll have a bigger problem than what you started with.

Edith:   Oh, my.

Jenny:  And you gotta make sure that you’re completely dry.

Edith:  Dry?

Jenny:  Dry.  No sweat.  No after-shower dew.  Otherwise you’re gonna get stuck.

Edith:  Have you gotten stuck?

Jenny:  I was in New York in August at a blogging conference with my bloggy pal Betsy.  There was one window AC in the studio apartment we were renting, and it was one end of the apartment and the bathroom was on the other.  Our landlord was ultra fastidious.  He had makeup remover wipes with a note that said, “Use me” and a smiley face.  He didn’t want us to get his white towels dirty.

Edith:  Oh, my.

Jenny:  And he used so much fabric softener on those white towels that they didn’t absorb anything, so there I am sopping wet in a Barbie Doll-sized bathroom stuck halfway in my slenderizing lingerie and having a panic attack… while Betsy was on the other side of the door in the kitchen drinking wine.

Edith:  Oh, my.

Jenny:  Yep.  There’s no telling what Betsy thought.  It was a tiny apartment, and it probably sounded like I was in there wrestling with a bear.

Edith:  I think I’ll just let my fat continue to hang out.

Scene:  Jenny has just walked in her office on a Friday morning.  The voicemail light on her phone is red.

Voicemail:  Jenny, it’s Portia.  It’s 2 a.m., and I just had to call you, and I didn’t want to wake you up so I’m calling your office.  [There’s a pause in Portia’s monologue while she slugs what is, presumably, wine.]  I’ve just discovered THE. BEST. SHOW. ON. NETFLIX.  You and Papa have to watch it.  It’s called Doc Martin.

Jenny laughs.  She and Papa are already halfway through the Doc Martin series.


Irene October 9, 2012 at 5:46 am

You have to admit you live an interesting life!
I think the kids ask you questions like that just to see what answer you’ll give them. They know the answer, they just want to hear what YOU’LL tell them because they know it’ll be funny!

Ally October 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I think the mushroom thing is entirely possible. Maybe even out of his ears. 😉

Kristy K. James October 9, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Hope your answer to the dirty bathwater question worked. Eww. Just the thought makes me cringe. But then my kids did a whole lot of stuff that made me cringe when they were little. Heck they still do.

But kid questions are fun. Especially if you enjoy messing with their heads. 🙂

Glad you’re back. I’m missing your posts. 🙂

Betsy at Zen Mama October 10, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I remember that moment! 🙂 I think the door was open and I stared for a moment. Sorry!! We’ll have to check out Doc Martin. We need a new netflix show.

PS Always happy to see your name in the inbox!!

portia October 10, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Yes, I was drinking wine. I also am finished with “Doc”, so don’t tempt me to spoil it for y’all. Which I would never do. Also I’m now halfway through the new season of “Raising Hope”, which I will also keep quiet about.
Who puts softener on towels??…..That feels so slimy and absorbs NO WATER.
I’ll tell you who: my beloved-in-every-other-way MIL!Really! The first time I stayed at her house in 1989, I thought there was something weird with the water in this town! And I was only trying to put on jeans and a T. Anyway, girdles/spanx are a GOOD THING!

Donnamay February 8, 2013 at 12:22 pm

LOVED “Doc”… other English series: “Gavin & Stacy” and “William and Mary” (with Martin Clunes also)… and if you haven’t watched “The IT Crowd”, you must!

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