When Hyacinth ate a whole tub of brownies, the emergency vet advised me to induce vomiting. So when I discovered Moose crying on the counter with one of his water bottles in hand—a water bottle that was being disinfected with a bleach solution—I immediately stuck my fingers down his throat until he hurled the contents of his stomach.
Moose was not happy. Then he threw up some more.
Papa and Jax sat oblivious in Papa’s den—Papa with his earphones in, watching Rockford Files on Hulu; Jax with the iPad, watching Scooby Doo.
I scooped up Moose, left the couch potatoes in oblivion, grabbed the phone and called the after-hours nurse.
I got India.
“My baby just ingested Clorox. I need to talk to an American.”
India transferred me to poison control. Poison control is an American woman. The AW asked me what happened.
“My two-year-old crawled up on the counter and drank from his water bottle, which was being disinfected with a bleach solution. He’s not dumb. I don’t think he drank much. I made him throw up.”
“Oooh, don’t do that.”
WTH?!
“I’m not doing that. I did that.”
“What’s his name?”
“Moose Bean.”
“Moose Bean?”
“Actually, it’s William. We call him Moose.”
I could hear the AW typing, and I was afraid she was going to report me to the FBI.
“Where do you live?”
“Buffalo, New York,” I lied.
“Buffalo?! You have a Southern accent.”
“That’s because we live in the southern part of Buffalo.”
“Okay. He’s going to be fine. He may have an upset stomach. Just for the record, we don’t induce vomiting anymore.”
By this time, Moose had decided he was hungry, so I gave him a big bowl of vanilla ice cream with sprinkles, and that was that. (Ice cream is a Bean cure for many of life’s mishaps.)
Papa and Jax are still oblivious, and I’m now on a plane holding a brown bag trying to get through some turbulence on my way to BlogHer, and Papa and Mimi are at Maison Bean with Jax and Moose.
Scary.
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I. Would. Die.
PS, way pissed i’m not on my way to BlogHer. My stupid husband decided to have a stupid brthday. So selfish if you ask me. Nobody cleared the dates with me. Alas….i’m just going to drink and pretend Twitter doesn’t exist. The drunk ostrich method.
Steal me some free swag…I live for that shiz….
Funny girl! So sorry you can’t be here. There’s really good swag here.
OHMYGOD Bean!
I can totally visualize that episode! That Moose is something else! Are you still locking the refrigerator? Like I said before, and I will say again.. DUCT TAPE! (and you know I am kidding)….never a dull minute at Maison Bean!
Lot’s of love,
Lillianna
This is another story that makes my heart skip a beat! I do have to smile when I think of what Moose was thinking as you “I immediately stuck my fingers down his throat until he hurled the contents of his stomach.” I think you should now write a post from Moose’s perspective of the incident. So glad he is okay and you too! And yes, that boy is smart, probably never drank a sip:) Enjoy your conference. We are all still MELTING here.
That’s one of those situations you can laugh about AFTER it happens. That little fellow must have the cleanest esophagus in the country.
Have fun at the blogfest.
Lilli: that kid can get out of DUCT TAPE.
Heather: I’ll think about the Moose perspective. Still can’t get past my own!
Patricia: you’re right about that esophagus!
Wow! I’m sure it was a scary moment, and I’m thoroughly impressed by you were calm enough to shove your fingers down his throat. Sprinkles on ice cream? Best cure ever.
I only called Poison Control once for mine – when he decided to suck down a tube of toothpaste. Of course I have no idea how much he consumed, but in my theatrical mind, I’m sure it was at least half a tube. 🙂
Poor little guy. Nothing will happen to the boys with your Mom being there! Enjoy San Diego.
How scary!! So glad Moose is okay. And so glad you’re able to see a little humor in your conversation with Poison Control. Southern Buffalo…. I’m still laughing now!
Ok, where do I start…first of all, no, don’t worry, I won’t be all “you shouldnt’ have induced vomiting!” I have no idea one way or the other. I can imagine however the fear at seeing your baby drinking bleach, I think your quick actions and clear headedness were admirable. I think I would have been running in circles yelling, “My baby drank bleach!” and quite possibly might have run out the door screaming…I’m not good under pressure, dont’ judge me. I will say I absolutely adored this post. It was witty. It was fast-paced. I was riveted. Honestly, probably one of the best posts I’ve ever read! And I’m sure you had an amazing time at BlogHer! I’m so very very jealous, yet despite my jealousy, I have still managed to adore you!
Ally: It’s the only time I’m calm–in a crisis. It’s like I go into autopilot. After everything is sorted out, I do my freak-out. And for adults (that would be me), we skip the sprinkles and add a glass of chardonnay!
Wendy: Mimi was so worn out, she left them at night with Papa! What’s with that?! And now Papa is talking about going on strike!
Hopeful: Glad you’re laughing. You’re probably punch drunk on lack of sleep with that sweet new baby of yours!
Sandra: Awwwwwww. You made my day! Thank you!
Very scary. I’m glad it worked out alright. I’m also glad you got to go to Blogher- can’t wait to hear about it! I also didn’t realize you are in Buffalo- I’m from Rochester!
Jeanette: I’m really in S.C. I was joking about Buffalo…. I’d freeze to death in Buffalo!!!
I’m planning a BlogHer recap. Probably next week. Thanks for visiting!!!
I was just about to ask how BlogHer was. Glad you got to go!!! Wooohoo! Can’t wait to hear about it.
Can we come over for ice cream? We’ll just ask the normal way. 🙂
Oh how scary for both you and Moose. So happy he was fine. Thankfully never had to induce vomiting (and that would have been my initial reaction) Addison & Jackson mange to gag on cue they have my reflex. Aweful and messy. Very messy.
Hope you had a wonderful time at BlogHer.
If that happened to my kid, I wouldn’t know what to do! Good thing Moose is ok now. Maybe I should keep some vanilla ice cream with sprinkles handy.. just in case 🙂
Poor sweet baby :((((
Another bout of insomnia has sent me searching through your archives. Love this post! It reminds me of the one time I remember calling poison control. My then 1 1/2 year old daughter LOVED garlic gel caps (she chewed them, which I thought was disgusting). Anyway, she started to get a cold and we were out, so I ran to the drug store and bought a new bottle. By bedtime, we’d all had some…a few times. The next morning I woke up to the house smelling like a pickle factory. The little snot had woken up without waking me, managed to get the cap off the bottle…and ate SIXTY-THREE gel caps. I know, I counted. Poison control laughed and said she’d be fine. She reeked for three days…but the cold symptoms disappeared. 🙂
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