how to unlock new guns in payday the heist payday lenders on sundays payday 2 incelemesi payday the heist pc online pirata error payday heist payday 2 bobblehead achievement payday loan training manual payday man of iron payday wiki sneaky bastard payday bear mask payday 2 für was ist das offshore konto payday bank loan payday loan association uk payday 2 pc patch fr payday kwik payday loans utica ny connecticut payday laws payday loan places calgary payday express payment payday 2 ai orders payday 2 easy heist anatomy payday automated paydays refund payday loans tqeovertoz online payday 2 barcodes payday 2 how skill trees work payday 2 360 beta payday the heist ps3 gry online payday loans near 66102 debt management with payday loans payday 2 keyboard controls default of payday loan usa payday loan reviews payday 2 cuffs project payday legitimate online job payday loans jasper in payday loan parma payday 2 lua offshore account payday loans that use savings accounts payday 2 360 controller payday 2 firestarter guide payday loans tqeovertoz no teletrack payday loan debt consolidation in ohio what to do if you cannot pay a payday loan ez money payday loans birmingham al payday puffy snowboard jacket payday 2 safe cracking places that give payday loans no credit check payday loan companies payday loan places in fayetteville nc payday the heist casino payday loan lender review how to stop payday loans legally 100 guaranteed approval payday loans adelaide payday loans payday the heist wolf pack guns payday 2 steam key buy payday 2 se puede jugar de 2 5 tips for payday 2 payday 1 adventure map tradução do payday 2 payday gold australia official payday loans online payday loans terre haute indiana payday 2 detection 3 ps3 payday 2 lag payday ps3 controls is payday 2 two players offline payday falcon rifle how to avoid paying your payday loan missouri payday installment loans payday loans new brunswick canada payday 2 train heist difficulty payday how to put mask on payday loans near 89108 payday loans san juan tx united check cashing payday loan payday 2 guessing nhs payday party bristol does payday 2 pc have controller support payday 2 ign review payday 2 pc fraco payday wymagania sprzętowe payday 2 xbox 360 toys r us payday 2 mission bilderrahmen payday 2 mastermind skill payday the heist border payday 2 analisis xbox 360 payday 2 skyscraper payday loan neon sign payday ps3 hacks payday money ltd what if payday falls on a weekend in california payday bullet dodger payday two cheats payday advance loans cape coral xtra cash payday loan short term payday loans canada new 12 month payday loan payday 2 level cap xbox payday 2 beta patch 1 payday 2 crash au lancement payday loans pay over 3 months how can you get a payday loan payday loans tqeovertoz direct lender suntrust bank payday loans payday loans law in arizona payday loans little river sc payday 2 price comparison payday 2 hack bag payday max legit morrisons payday week payday secret reddit advance til payday marysville ca 247 payday loan lender payday 2 technician skill tree guide is payday 2 on xbox 360 payday 2 how to turn off shadows how do you invite friends to play payday 2 lend green payday loan payday customer service when is military payday for navy federal direct payday cash advance lenders payday loans no employment check payday 2 how to get ai to carry bags illinois licensed payday lenders payday 2 ps3 eur 123 cash payday payday 2 only 2 body bags payday 2 more characters payday loans actual lenders payday 2 menu mod payday the heist how to use upgrades sainsburys payday 2 find me payday loans listed payday loan companies payday loans parksville bc paydays for social security disability payday loans for small businesses film de payday payday 2 train heist name payday xbox one trailer payday advance in redding ca payday dlc trophies payday loans in washington state payday 2 best way to get xp payday beta trainer check into cash payday loans online payday loans tqeovertoz online payday loan companies in greenville sc payday loan san antonio will i go to jail if i dont pay my payday loan scaricare payday payday loans waianae payday 2 skill tree hack xbox payday loan online texas reviews on payday loans payday 2 bit โหลด payday 2 create mod payday version check payday loans fall river ma payday 2 adrenaline payday loan za private payday loan lenders payday loans payback in 90 days payday the heist 2 official trailer payday loans baownbeuv faxless payday loans laws in nevada payday 2 carry more ammo cornerstone partners payday cuales son las mejores armas en payday 2 payday 2 arnold mask platinum b services payday loans payday loan in reading pa invitare amici payday 2 ps3 payday 2 deagle vs locomotive payday 2 hidden payday 2 endurance skill stack online payday loan site payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check otages payday 2 payday loans debit card accounts quick online payday loans baownbeuv do payday loan companies sue payday loans madisonville tx all online payday loans payday loans no credit checks payday 2 ammo bag payday loan within hour payday 2 glitches ps3 what is offshore account payday 2 payday advance loans australia payday facebook status payday 2 netzwerk direct payday loan providers payday loans 30046 payday loan places in halifax ns payday 2 trophäen payday 2 pc steam key payday 2 big oil guide gvsu payday payday 2 tips for overkill payday 2 ps3 vs xbox 360 payday 2 xbox 360 tips direct payday loan lenders uk no brokers california budget finance payday loans hours emplacement sauvegarde payday payday the heist black box lan payday watch dogs stealth payday blaue diamanten payday 2 ps3 spaziogames payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check 3b payday loans complaints payday 2 ps3 jb hi fi licensed payday lenders in wyoming instant payday loans no credit payday xbox 360 marketplace fargo payday loans payday advance loans pittsburgh payday 2 poetry jam payday 2 freezing xbox 360 12 month unsecured payday loans payday loans halifax ns michigan payday loan repayment plan payday 2 xbox 360 store payday game reviews payday loans best apr payday 2 skill hack xbox how many skill points are there in payday 2 quick online payday loans tqeovertoz payday is coming bible payday mobility address payday the heist counterfeit it a trap fast internet payday loans chipotle payday payday loans depression pay off your payday loans payday loans baownbeuv no teletrack payday 2 best weapon to sell payday express debt collection avis payday 2 pc payday the heist graficos quickie payday loans faxless payday loans 1 hour canada how to solo stealth payday 2 payday loan without verification payday 2 ak family payday 2 update 51 payday 2 same mission payday pagina oficial polar payday loans payday loans that need a guarantor payday loan on weekend uk comprar payday 2 pc payday 2 game crashes kansas payday loans payday 2 beta nasıl oynanır payday 2 ign pc payday 2 laser mod payday loans smithville missouri payday 2 jobliste uk payday 2day american payday loans logan ohio payday loans on phone.com payday 2 graphic enhancement always payday knoxville tn payday 2 gun damage best payday loans no fees payday bar recipe payday 2 edycja kolekcjonerska gdzie kupić payday hardline payday loans 23220 payday robot payday 2 pistol mods payday the heist gameplay direct payday loan lenders ny payday advance meaning payday loans tqeovertoz no credit check payday joes forum wells fargo payday lending payday 2 weapon modifications list payday loan meadowvale payday 2 skill tree technician fast auto and payday loans inc. chula vista ca payday 2 vsync 24fps payday loans in 30253 payday 2 germany i need a payday loan but i do not have a bank account payday heist lvl hack payday loans hereisthebestin bad credit pacific network payday loan uk payday 2 update 10 tpb payday 2 events what happens if i dont pay my payday loan in texas payday 2 magyaritas how do i customize my mask in payday 2 payday 2 dlc unlocker script payday loan no itc check jak grać multiplayer w payday 2 payday loan online washington state tattiche payday 2 payday 2 dlc the bomb bad check to payday loan starting an online payday loan company payday loans baownbeuv faxless payday 2 airplane key payday the heist cheats ign payday loans in montreal quebec payday 2 rvt fix v2 payday loan checksmart payday the heist diamond heist cutter payday loans near hampton va secret de payday 2 online payday loans howdotofound payday 2 non steam save location dollar loan center payday loans cutter group llc payday loan payday loans in salt lake city ut payday loans 29588 quick online payday loans howdotofound payday loan torrence ave secret safe in payday 2 what is payday loan relief payday loan eden prairie next payday nz list of payday loan direct lenders uk payday loans york payday loan today promo code payday loans labelle fl payday 2 rarest items online payday loans howdotofound payday 2 lvl 50 save payday 2 playstation plus free payday 2 mods skins cmg group llc payday loan address payday 2 jacket model payday 2 trainer update 51 hotline miami payday 2 stealth skint payday loans payday loans broken arrow ok payday the heist cheatcc payday loan locations in richmond va payday advance in warren michigan payday 2 enforcer tech payday 2 achievements not unlocking best payday loans in usa small payday loans no faxing payday 2 zamunda kurulum payday the heist mega trainer gage courier packages payday 2 payday 2 achievements stats interest free payday loans san antonio payday loan bonney lake wa payday ne sauvegarde pas payday 2 infamous skill tree payday 2 technician combat engineer can you play payday 2 single player payday bordspel spelregels payday 2 how to unlock c4 payday 2 playing with strangers how to use body bags in payday 2 payday 2 requisitos de sistema ottumwa iowa payday loans payday loans corsicana texas payday 2 how to get security guards to surrender cheap payday online loans crack pour payday need money fast payday loan bskyb payday payday 2 prisjakt payday loans in mcminnville tn qxlonline.com paydayloan phone number payday 2 pc koupit payday loans oshkosh wisconsin payday loans in northglenn colorado are payday loans legal in colorado dlc payday 2 armored transport mesa payday loans can you go to jail for defaulting on a payday loan boerse bz payday the heist payday 2 auch offline payday advance santa cruz payday loans yonkers ny payday cookies payday 2 neutraliser garde cheat code payday pc advance america payday loans promotional codes payday 2 big oil quel moteur probleme payday 2 steam payday steam fix how to pay off multiple payday loans payday loans 30 days como zerar payday 2 payday 2 rvtfix crash george osborne payday online payday loans tqeovertoz quick payday loans mobile poor credit payday loans instant payday loans 44241 classic payday game rules payday loans bryan college station tx payday advance in clinton township mi payday the heist poradnik trofea payday loan lawsuit texas early payday murrieta payday 2 mods ps3 bad credit payday loans all accepted payday loans in blacksburg va payday 2 trainer and cheats payday advance same day deposit payday loans in wilkes barre pa payday 2 car shop it computer direct deposit if payday falls monday payday 2 wallpaper android quick online payday loans baownbeuv easy payday loans in pa payday graphic options payday 2 community how to join oz fast payday loans payday loans in milton florida how do i know if my payday loan is illegal dateline payday loan sauvegarde payday 2 100 palitoy payday game colorado laws on payday loans payday 2 halloween bulldozer payday 2 big oil engine calculator payday 1 cheats ps3 payday 2 skills for stealth unsecured no credit check payday loans payday the heist cheats pc trainer payday 2 open safe with c4 payday 2 for free steam best bad credit payday loans online payday loans hereisthebestin payday undercover ost payday loans that require no bank account payday 2 titan safes payday advance bad credit payday the heist hard game cash payday advance loans payday 2 how to disable lasers payday loans no credit check low interest steam overlay not working on payday 2 payday dog uk payday 2 sniper rifle stability payday advance mission hills where can i get a payday loan with no credit check payday loans in waynesboro pa payday 2 como ter c4 payday the heist myegy payday 2 demo help payday the heist 2 crack nyc payday loans payday 30th anniversary rules payday the heist sniper rifle emergency loans that are not payday loans payday loan prepaid card payday eagle payday loans assistance program payday 2 spielersuche morrisons payday bonus finished need cash now payday loan how to make a payday dallas mask payday loans marksville la top payday loans in usa payday the heist wiki walkthrough florida payday loan statute of limitations first delaware bank payday loans payday 2 firestarter day 2 how many guards payday loan miami ok payday the heist headshot payday 2 spring break bonnie payday loans ahoskie nc payday loans tqeovertoz faxless payday loans niagara falls ont payday 2 future dlc payday the heist patch 1.14.0 payday 2 the diamond glass cutter payday loans ashland wi american payday loans kansas delta payday loans marrero government to cap payday loans payday loan lenders top 10 payday loans 98632 payday 2 update fehler payday express br1 3wa reviews for online payday system payday 2 requisiti minimi no teletrack or telecheck payday loans payday loans tqeovertoz no credit check minnesota attorney general payday loan 3b financial payday loans payday 2 big oil notes location payday loans guercmorteo direct lender advance til payday valdosta ga payday the heist game guide payday loans hereisthebestin online payday loans planet payday 2 schnell level When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”

Notes

No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.

{ 9 comments }

Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”

Addenda 

  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.

{ 10 comments }

Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →