When Papa called me at work asking what I wanted for dinner, I thought about what we’d had the night before (curried squid) and the night before (crunchy beans*) and the night before (TOFU!!!)… and then I had a brilliant idea, something I hadn’t thought of in a long time—going out for dinner. And Papa, who is usually contrary about spending money, was actually agreeable.

It was settled—we would go out for Mexican. A place called Consuela Garfinkel’s.

The first stop was Mimi’s house. Mimi is housebound again. She broke a toe and had to go under the knife again, so she’s dependent on us for entertainment and transportation. Some grandmothers break hips—this one breaks toes.

Somehow I managed to scarf down a few nachos and two Corona Lights. I wanted a third but I was driving. Jax wasn’t happy with his meal. And then Moose got bored, and a bored Moose is mischief in the making, so we walked up and down the steps to the second floor of the restaurant and up and down and up and down and up and down. (Moose should be an aerobics instructor.)

Meanwhile, Papa was trying to get the waitress to turn off the TV because on it were two barbarians in a chain link cage beating each other to a pulp, and Jax, whose television time is censored, was fascinated. (Honestly, don’t these people watch the news? Don’t they know what happened to Muhamed Ali?)

So we went to Mimi’s for dessert. Mimi had made chocolate cookies that were out of this orbit, and Moose was on cloud nine, and he didn’t want to leave, so that when we finally left, he pitched a royal Moose fit.

It wasn’t pretty.

There are seven miles, a lot of traffic and two rivers between Mimi’s condo and Maison Bean, and it was by the grace of God and those two Corona Lights that I managed to not come unglued.**

Two miles from home, Papa did come unglued. He got out of the car to walk home. Turns out that he caught a ride home with a couple of hippies in a beat-up VW van and arrived home an hour later with a big grin on his face smelling curiously like incense.

“I love everybody,” he gushed.

Later, after I’d finally gotten Jax and Moose to sleep and scarfed down a glass of wine, I remembered why it is that we don’t go out to eat anymore…. I guess it will be another year before I forget and we give it a shot again.

Notes:

* About Papa’s beans:  I feel like I’m a cannibal or something when I eat beans, and it doesn’t help that he cooks them al dente.

**Yes, I know this is a double negative.  It’s the second one I’ve written this week.

***Below is last Saturday at the beach before I lost Moose and almost got arrested….. It’s probably going to be a year before we go to the beach again.

 

 

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Reemerging

April 17, 2012

I once read that if you can’t write something good, don’t write anything at all.  The problem is that life has gotten so busy that I simply haven’t had time to write anything good, and it’s going on two weeks since I’ve written anything, and, believe me, I’ve got plenty of blog material—just no time to do any of it justice—and this is why I’m writing about cooties today.

I figure there’s just enough material to give me a small post, so that no one thinks I died or anything grim like that.  We’re all fine, sort of, except that Sissy made the mistake of teasing Jax when she said, “Get away from me.  I don’t want your cooties.”

“COOTIES!” Jax said with the enthusiasm of a little monster who thinks he’s learned a cool, new bad word.  “What are COOTIES?!”

No one would answer him, so he tormented us for days asking us what cooties are.  Finally, I looked the damn word up… this would be because I didn’t know what the true definition of cooties was. From Wikipedia, which referenced a 1980 article called “The Cooties Complex,” I learned:

Cooties is, in American childlore, a kind of infectious disease. The term may have originated with references to lice, fleas, and other parasites. A child is said to “catch” cooties through any form of bodily contact, proximity, or touching of an “infected” person or from a person of the opposite sex of the same age. Often the “infected” person is someone who is perceived as “different” and bears some kind of social stigma: of the opposite sex, disabled, someone who is shy or withdrawn, someone who has peculiar mannerisms, etc. The phrase is most commonly used by children aged 4–10; however, it is also used by many others older than 10.

So then I had to explain to Jax that Sissy may have been suggesting that he had fleas or that he was different or that he bore some kind of social stigma or peculiar mannerisms, and this explanation, of course, unleashed a torrent of other questions.

Do people have fleas?

What’s a social stigma? (Note:  he botched the pronunciation.)

What does  peculiar mean?

What’s the opposite sex?

Mommy, how old is Aunt Sissy?

Aunt Sissy, I explained, is obviously at the top of the age bracket of people most likely to use the word “cooties,” so she’s 10.  That’s Bean math, folks.  And, by the way, if anyone asks—I’m 25.

As for all of the other questions, well, I’m still trying to answer them.

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Reptiles, nuptials and drag queen attendants

April 1, 2012

With the occasion of Moose’s birthday, Papa once again broached the idea of a puppy for the boys. “We’ve had this conversation before,” I said.  “And the answer is still no.” Sensing defeat, Papa tried to bargain.  “A cat?” “All I have to say about that is—LITTER BOX.” “A bird?” “Are you out of your [...]

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On a day three years ago…

March 26, 2012

Dear Moose, On a day three years ago when the earth glittered and butterflies danced, when trumpets blasted and angels sang in celebration, you, my beautiful Baby William, were born. You’ve brought happiness and beauty into our lives.  You are a lot of curiosity with a sprinkle of mischief.  You are a little flirt and [...]

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Chasing seagulls

March 13, 2012

Maison Bean has been dusted in pollen, and with the fine yellow coating that comes this time of year, new leaves have begun to emerge on the fig tree, and even a few infant figs have been born. The fig tree is a descendant of the fig tree at Mimi’s homestead in Alabama.  My grandfather [...]

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Bean Law

March 6, 2012

I once decreed that if you were to leave your house on a Saturday looking like shit, you would have a 25 percent chance of running into an old boyfriend. On Saturday I amended the law:  if you go to the grocery store looking like shit with a contrary toddler in tow and a list that [...]

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Home Security à la Bean

February 29, 2012

News flash:  Today is Papa’s penultimate* cancer treatment.  I was with him this morning when he got the results of his scan.  The cancer is gone!  Everything was unremarkable—this is good in the medical world—except for his left hip, which will take a while to heal from the cancer damage….  I guess this means more [...]

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Happy Presidents Day, Mr. George Obama

February 20, 2012

This morning in the car. Jax: Mommy, today is President’s Day. Me:  Yes, it is. Jax: Does Kate have to go to school today? Me: No, she’s off for President’s Day too. Jax: I know who the president is. Me: You do? Jax: Yeah, he’s George Washington Obama. Memo to self:  • Add teach Jax American history and current events to Papa’s [...]

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We interrupt this week’s scheduled post for Best in Show

February 15, 2012

Competing against much larger and speedier breeds, Malachy, a diminutive 11-pound Pekingese, won this year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, sending out a message to the world that the Pekingese is indeed the superior species. Hyacinth, the author of When the Monarchy Crumbles, is also a Pekingese, but unlike Malachy, she is a bitch with an eating [...]

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Censorship coming soon

February 8, 2012

Two weeks ago, Mimi underwent surgery to uncross her toes.  The index toe had lapped over the middle toe.  I think they got stuck when Mimi was praying to win the lottery.  If it wasn’t bad enough that she couldn’t wear sandals without drawing undue attention to herself, Mimi was in pain. The surgery was [...]

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