online payday loans for nc payday the heist command ai breeze ski rental payday payday loans 97202 free payday 2 beta key payday loans guercmorteo no credit check payday 2 big bank guards payday 2 build ideas how do i get a payday loan with no checking account fast payday loans guercmorteo playstation network payday the heist payday loan fond du lac wi payday loan online with savings account payday loan cash cow payday balaclava payday 2 infamy lvl 6 what do i do if i cant pay payday loans payday loans if under debt review fanta et bob payday ep 11 payday 2 wiki ukrainian job payday 2 no servers payday 2 intel hd graphics family payday advance adrian mi payday loan locations in toronto mass street group payday loans how to dominate more than one guard payday 2 payday 2 enforcer tree instant payday loans south africa payday loans baownbeuv direct lender payday loan chandler az payday 2 ecm jammer on atm payday 2 soundtrack razormind payday 2 leadership ace payday loans dss next payday for navy federal payday loan stores stockport payday the heist no clip hack auto cash payday payday 1 wymagania sprzętowe nutritional information payday snack size payday loan live transfers payday the heist making cops surrender motif masque payday 2 best payday loans money supermarket payday 2 pc identi payday loans albert lea mn legitimate online payday loans payday enforcer skills payday loans howdotofound bad credit payday 2 invisible script 100 day payday loan lenders payday 2 vollstrecker build i need a payday loan with a savings account txt4payday loans co uk payday advance walmart money card payday 2 atm saw forum for payday loans payday episode 4 vostfr payday the heist 64 bits buy payday 2 ps4 payday 2 crimefest secret stuff payday loans in delaware payday 2 bomb dockyard stealth online payday loans baownbeuv payday 2 se puede jugar sin internet payday loan lenders in california payday 2 xbox live date payday 2 exploits ps3 specialité payday 2 payday loans in mira mesa ca payday crack payday loans camden sc california online payday loans payday loans to debit card payday 2 beta community hub payday 2 cheat weapons acorn payday loans purple payday payday loan payday 2 ecm jammer wiki payday 2 failed to connect payday loans howdotofound direct lender payday the heist speed hack payday 2 xbox 360 all masks payday interest rates payday loan can pay back monthly payday 2 mission assets payday loans no debit card uk military payday loans bad credit payday 2 ratten information rush card payday advance payday hawaii dairy road payday 2 firestarter bank stealth how to unlock c4 in payday 2 payday loan leads price online payday loans tqeovertoz payday loans bad credit not brokers telecharger payday 2 ps3 payday 2 best silenced weapon ncp payday advance number payday advance loans orange county ca achat masque payday jouer a payday 2 en ligne crack payday loans funded 24/7 payday 2 ratten tutorial payday the heist dead loyalist payday loans payday loan senatobia ms payday loans baownbeuv direct lender set up payday loan company uk ps3 payday 2 online error payday the heist billion can you get a payday loan if your account is overdrawn payday 2 escape car payday 2 cooperativo online payday lines of credit payday loans in calumet city illinois payday loans leander texas payday 2 dragan missing lines payday loans in gig harbor wa sharpshooter ace payday 2 payday loans to be capped ez money payday loans houston tx rare hockey poster payday payday loan indy payday the heist no mercy strategy payday mask cs go payday loans in las vegas no credit check very easy payday loans payday 2 2 cheater 2 payday 2 grenade friendly fire payday 2 for free steam my fast payday loan payday first world bank overkill payday the heist reputation cap 20 state of california employee paydays peut on jouer a payday 2 avec une manette payday 2 lua offshore account payday 2 most needed class payday loans crawfordsville indiana quick payday loan no broker payday achievements but how avoir c4 payday 2 payday loans guercmorteo no teletrack payday loan niceville florida payday 2 windows 8 steam personal loans poor credit not payday loans fast payday loans howdotofound payday 2 interactive skill tree payday 2 vásárlás pc payday the heist blue gloves fca payday rules payday 2 beta key bekommen payday 2 dev console texas payday law garnishment payday advance lapeer mi payday 2 new enemy turret how to avoid paying a payday loan payday 2 big oil fence payday loans with 30 day payback nearest payday loans collection of payday loans in texas crash lancement payday 2 payday 2 nosteam online payday brenner 21 c4 safe payday 2 payday loans devils lake nd payday the heist red diamond value payday 2 class trees edmonton payday loans companies 1 hour payday loans review payday loans in carson ca best primary for stealth payday 2 uswitch payday loans goodies payday 2 payday advance loans nj when does payday 2 come out for psn payday the heist tiles payday surrealpower payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check payday wallpaper payday 2 how to invite friends steam payday loan lodi m7mdxd payday payday 2 big oil hoses direct payday lenders us minecraft payday 2 texture pack 1.7.4 payday loans long beach ms payday 2 neue waffen payday 2 best enforcer gun vanquis bank payday loan what happens when payday falls on a saturday payday loan in riverdale payday 2 cappuccino zum mitnehmen bitte payday 2 missione 2 ky payday loans payday 2 van turret enemy payday on a saturday payday 2 ps3t payday loan birkenhead payday 2 item hacks payday instructions game top 10 payday loans reviews how much money do you start with in payday game payday loans 89129 best gun in payday 2 xbox payday loan companies in nc payday loan bucks payday yes loans payday law illinois payday 2 theme payday loans penticton direct lenders installment payday loans payday 2 elephant actor køb payday the heist payday 2 i knew what i did was wrong bugged can you go to jail for not paying a payday loan in ca payday loan dla payday 2 disponible sur le xbox live military payday loan reviews payday 2 freund einladen payday 2 how to aim saw first bank of delaware payday loans payday loan reporting agencies payday loans are horrible purpose of offshore account in payday 2 ace payday loans baton rouge payday 2 best cash mission what is the level cap on payday 2 problemas al iniciar payday 2 payday 2 hack offshore money payday 2 pistol messiah or inspire very bad credit payday loans direct lenders rare moon payday payday configuration minimale payday loans for military in leesville la report payday 2 hackers payday 2 dlc minigun direct payday lenders weekend descargar payday 2 para pc softonic payday resolution fix easy payday loans like wonga payday 2 shinobi ace skill payday 2 mission types wall street journal payday loans payday loans monthly installment payday 2 anzahl missionen top ten payday loan lenders payday loans burnt oak payday loans limerick ireland payday loans university place wa one hour online payday loans payday lenders georgia payday the heist worth it descargar payday 2 mf payday 2 banda sonora payday loan stores illinois guardian payday lending quick cash payday loans online payday exchange ltd phone number real payday advance sites legit payday loan consolidation payday 2 trip mines sensor mode best xp missions payday 2 payday loans with cash converters teacher payday loan payday loans marketing payday loans disability payday 2 sawing deposit boxes worthless check payday loan payday advance madison al payday loans legal in nyc advance til payday radcliff kentucky payday 2 mastermind skillung payday loans mount vernon mo payday loans tqeovertoz direct lender nj payday loan lenders westpac payday loans payday 2 how to play single player payday loan middletown ri payday loan places in memphis no income payday loans payday one ps3 payday the heist stealth missions how do you play multiplayer on payday 2 payday loans oak forest il payday advance cash america locations payday 2 beta codes quick online payday loans hereisthebestin payday 2 bank heist key how do i join a game on payday 2 comandos de payday 2 payday 2 wolf avatar payday 2 freezes xbox 10000 dollar payday loan payday 2 framing frame tunnel payday loans no questions payday uk directors payday 2 ps3 mod menu cherry mobile payday sale payday loans for bad credit direct lender payday ucl city dallas payday loan ordinance payday armored car drop payday the heist or payday 2 payday loan and mortgage cheat payday 2 skills payday 2 jacket mask next payday 2 dlc sale juego payday 2 xbox 360 payday loans kenai ak is castle payday loan legit payday 2 on ps3 release date oakwood services llc payday loan payday lenders settlement payday loans 77088 payday loans dubuque payday 2 noel payday loans that accept unemployment benefits uk payday 2 big oil the right engine payday loans panama city fl payday loans no brokers bad credit ok payday loans hereisthebestin no credit check direct lender payday loans no bank verification payday loan gastonia nc payday 2 baseball bat achievement failed retrieving games payday 2 ps3 payday loans sask darkfuneral972 payday 2 cheap payday loans no brokers payday wiki bbq payday the heist first world bank easter egg steam must be running to play this game payday 2 when will payday 2 be on the xbox live marketplace payday 2 multiplayer kurma payday 2 cracked patch como subir de nivel mas rapido en payday 2 payday betting payday loans cant pay back payday bullypedia payday 2 unlock attachments ohio laws about payday loans payday loans commission speluitleg payday clarity financial payday loan can a payday loan arrest you payday loans providence ri code for shutters payday 2 payday 1 on xbox payday 2 framing frame expert driver payday starbucks payday loans on odsp ottawa payday loan 3 days payday loan in hammond indiana payday advance loan rates payday mod patcher payday 2 big oil day 2 how many guards payday advance mt pleasant mi payday the heist 2 skidrow payday loans uk lender only galaxy payday advance payday 2 skill max payday 2 ghost pick safe payday 2 tipps stream payday 2 payday loan walker la ez payday loan cudahy wi payday blues payday loans very bad credit payday 2 jacket theme payday loans in baxley ga payday 2 money cheat xbox peachy payday loans promo code payday 2 builds ghost payday 2 payday the heist payday 2 inspire jak stahnout payday the heist payday the heist full game upgrade payday advance loans columbus ga payday the heist dlc pc texas car title and payday loan killeen tx payday 2 how to upgrade the safe house cash 4 u payday loans online payday loans howdotofound password can you get out of paying a payday loan payday loan online with bad credit how to fix lag in payday 2 payday loan debt helpers bbb list of payday lenders in the uk online payday loans on weekends massachusetts payday lenders fast payday loans baownbeuv payday 2 ps4 split screen how do payday advance loans work payday 2 get ai to carry bags quidco payday loans payday inside man assets payday 2 skill tree stack payday storyline payday 2 career criminal edition soundtrack como jugar a payday online payday 2 baixaki jogos payday the heist diamantenraub tipps payday loan rates how to disable steam overlay for payday 2 cash converters payday advance loan payday western union how can i get a payday loan without a debit card payday keycards payday 2 store mask payday loan valley city nd discount advance payday loan texas payday law severance white hills cash payday loans number payday 2 drinking game can payday loans garnish your paycheck payday loans guercmorteo bad credit payday 2 xbox media markt payday 2 gage weapon pack 1 payday loans greeley co indian tribe payday lenders christmas payday income support direct lenders payday loans no brokers best payday loan lenders no credit check come giocare online a payday utiliser le compte offshore payday 2 les masque de payday 2 philippine airlines payday special bad credit no guarantor payday loans payday 2 belgian heat payday loans near florissant payday time does money go payday advance milwaukee wi payday loan in boston ma payday loans cant pay back payday 2 how to open safe with c4 payday advance in san diego ca payday loans guercmorteo direct lender how to get out of internet payday loans payday 2 community forums payday 2 alle masken hack payday 2 all items script rocky boy technologies payday loans ace cash express payday loan refinance can you customize your safehouse in payday 2 berserker skill payday 2 respec payday 2 cost payday advance jackson ms payday money center westminster ca all payday loans lenders payday loans in mcminnville oregon how many payday loans can i get gold star payday reviews payday loans 37209 do payday loans help your credit rating payday 2 find the explosives payday loans with saving account jet payday phone number payday 2 compétence fantome payday loans by monthly installment payday 2 guide to leveling payday loans and consumer credit act payday loans guercmorteo no credit check payday 2 how to pick the right engine payday advance s post oak payday 2 gage courier packs payday 2 version history payday the heist iso pc ace payday advance fontana ca payday the heist mando xbox quick non payday loans payday lender list payday loan on chef payday loans and mortgages payday 2 combine skills payday 2 playstation patch pay payday loans off fast national opportunities payday loan online payday lenders in florida payday 2 how to make custom masks payday 2 trainer password payday loans with wire transfer healthy indulgences payday bar payday loan on lee trevino payday 2 360 dlc release date payday 2 pcgw how much is payday the heist payday 2 full soundtrack payday loans for virginia residents payday loan only payday 2 iphone wallpaper payday loans wood dale il payday loan top lenders payday loan settlements payday 2 additional charges ssohpkc payday the heist dlc payday loans uk report how many payday loans can i get at one time in illinois how does payday 2 skills work payday 2 ecm guide When a single woman goes to the bank to become a mommy

Pirate night

April 1, 2015

“Load up the cannons, me mateys!” I shouted to my crew, Calico Jax and Madman Moose.

It was pirate night, the first Friday of the month, and the little Beans and I were in our PJs and pirate hats on the couch eating popcorn by candlelight.

The smoke detector in the hallway beeped at annoyingly close intervals because the batteries were low.  And Daffy, the dog from hell, lazed on her pillow at my feet chewing on a rawhide.

Daffy DogSuddenly a black water balloon came hurling through the window and landed with a splat spraying water all over the dog from hell. The canine sprang into action barking her head off, and I followed behind her, looking none too formidable in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Billy!” I shouted at the window that was slightly ajar.

Billy is my boyfriend of 10 months. He’s a 42-year-old juvenile delinquent with shaggy salt and pepper hair and a slow, sexy grin. In the street light he stood wearing faded Levis and his old ratty Fish Naked t-shirt. He’d tied a navy bandana kerchief style around his head, presumably in honor of pirate night.

“Billy!” The little Beans hollered right behind me, delighted that he was crashing pirate night. I flipped on the overhead light.

Billy had been expressly told to stay away from pirate night this month.  Billy is a ne’er-do-well, and he’d stood me up the week before to drink beer and play poker with his buddies. I was still hacked off, which is why he’d been banned.

The problem with Billy, though, is that he wears those Levis so fine, and I’m a sucker for a stud muffin.

Jenny in love lust.

When he was sure that the only weapons present were the plastic sword I was holding and the dog from hell, Billy hoisted the window up further, tossed a rather large bag of M&Ms at the little Beans and then effortlessly slid in. He handed me a bottle of Mer Soleil and gave me a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

“Dude,” I said, pushing him away, “you’re still on my shit list…  But this is a good start.”

In the kitchen I uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into stemless glasses and turned on Van Morrison.  I handed Billy a glass.  A fracas in the living room over the M&Ms escalated, and I sighed.

Madman MooseJax had dumped the M&Ms into the bowl of popcorn, and Moose, who has a strict code of order, was none too pleased.  He was pelting his brother with chocolate and popcorn missiles.

“DESIST!” I bellowed in my mean mommy voice.

In the brief silence that always follows the mean mommy voice—as if they are shocked that I have it in me to make that much noise—the sound of Bernie’s old Ford Pinto could be heard rumbling into the drive of Maison Bean.

Bernie is the night manager at the Ladies Club, and if he was driving Papa home, it was a slow night and Papa was soused up on martinis.

When I opened the front door, I saw Papa in his kilt stumbling up the walk with Bernie ambling behind him.  Bernie, who is amazingly spry for someone who is old as dirt, was in his usual Hawaiian shirt, clashing madras shorts and flip flops.

“Billy,” Papa said through the gin fumes.  “What are you doing here?”

Moose threw an M&M.

“I invited him, Papa.”

“I can take you,” Papa said, ignoring me.

Geez Louise.

Papa and Billy looked at each other and nodded and sat down facing each other at the coffee table.  Papa flexed his fingers and then put his elbow on the table.

Unimpressed, Jax and Moose, who’d seen Papa and Billy arm wrestle more times than they could count in the last 10 months, resumed their missile war.  The dog from hell, who has an iron stomach and an unending appetite, was busy trying to clean up the mess.

Gloria began to play on the stereo and almost immediately Bernie’s cell phone sounded You Give Love a Bad Name, which meant that Mrs. Bernie was calling.  Mrs. Bernie is perpetually on the warpath with her spouse, and since Bernie refuses to wear his hearing aid, the rest of the world knows EVERY LAST DETAIL.

A siren rang from outside in the distance and the tempo of the smoke detector beep increased.

Bernie was shouting into his phone, and M&Ms and popcorn flew.

And suddenly in the midst of the uproar, everything went into a silent slow motion, and we all watched in horror as a blue M&M flew towards Papa’s head, going right into one of his big ol’ Grandma Bean ears.

Papa’s eyes got wide, and then he fell to the floor.

We all ran to him.  Daffy was licking his face.  Bernie had dropped his phone, and we could hear Mrs. Bernie shouting.  The little Beans were shaking him, and Billy had dropped down to check his pulse.

And then almost as quickly as he had fallen, Papa sat bolt upright and announced, “April Fools!”


No, I did not fall off the earth. I’ve just been busy. Hyacinth is in doggy heaven with Rooster. Evidently, she calls Moose on his toy cell phone. He says he’s going to build a rocket and go get them. That’s about all I can say about that. The bitch’s ashes are still on top of the refrigerator because I can’t bear to part with her yet. Daffy the Dog, aka Princess Daffodil Bean, is a 5-month-old mini Goldendoodle. She was a gag gift from Santa Claus. Her mother was a 60-lb golden retriever and her father, Romeo, was an 8 ½ pound toy poodle. And to answer your question, no, I do not know how that works.  Everyone is well—it’s just that life is careening forward insanely fast, and I can’t ever seem to catch my breath.  I miss blogging.

P.S.  Bernie is a figment of my imagination, and, unfortunately, so too is Billy.


Rest in peace, Grandma

April 1, 2014

“She was a good Christian woman and a pillar of the community,” he said.

The Methodist preacher was a small man sporting a bow tie and a bad dye job and an even worse eyebrow job.  He looked like Moose had taken a Sharpie to his face.  The saint to whom he was referring was Grandma Bean.

I nudged Sissy and whispered.  “Is he talking about our Grandma Bean? Are we at the right church?”

Sissy giggled. 

My Aunt Lilly shot us a look.

It was 5:30 in the evening.  We were in Montgomery at a sprawling modern Methodist church for Grandma’s memorial service.  I was certain Grandma had never stepped foot in the place.  And it was probably a first time for the dozen or so of her poker-playing cronies who’d come to pay their respects.

It was Dewey, Grandma’s 96-year-old boyfriend, who was the Methodist.

The morning started out at 6:00 when Sissy and I left Charleston in the Honda in blinding rain that was so loud that we couldn’t hear to make hotel reservations.  We’d had to text Papa to find us a hotel in Columbus, Georgia, so that we could get ready for the funeral.

The Shady Grove Inn sounded quaint. 

It turned out to be the Shady Grove Family Motel and Trailer Park, and by the time Gertie (we were bored; we named our GPS) got us there, we were 15 miles off the interstate and the beaten path.  Ma and Pa Kettle ran the place.  There was a console TV and a jury-rigged Betamax with free bootleg movies.  There were two sagging beds with old faded chenille bedspreads.

The place was a dump, and Papa, the cheap SOB, who couldn’t even make it to the memorial service because of his sorry gimped up hip, really had some nerve. 

We changed clothes so fast that I ripped the only pair of tights I’d brought. 

“What are you gonna do?”  Sissy asked, looking at my scary-white legs.

“Gertie can find us a Walgreens, and while she’s at it, she can find us a bar.  I need a drink, and Papa’s credit card needs a lot more damage than the Shady Kettles can do.”

“Bar first.” 

Sissy has her priorities in order.

We drove to Montgomery, found a bar and got happy.  By the time we were happy, we were running late, but we’d spied a department store without Gertie’s help and we ran in and grabbed a pair of tights.  Sissy took Papa’s credit card to pay and I took the tights to the dressing room.

They ripped.  In the nether regions.  It was not a good day.

“Come on,” I hissed to Sissy who was still standing in line.  “Let’s go.”

“But I haven’t paid yet,” she said.

“The tights are defective, and we don’t have time to deal with this.”

Later in the Methodist ladies room, I discovered that the tights we’d absconded with weren’t actually defective.  They were simply crotchless, and I was a thief and a skank sitting in church with ho undergarments, slightly drunk.

“MJ Bean was a virtuous example for us all,” the bow tie preacher droned.

I nudged my cousin Star on my left and Sissy on my right.  Star nudged Cousin Adele on her left.  We giggled. 

Aunt Lilly glared.

“When her beloved husband JR passed away in 1974, MJ married Glen.”

“That’s not true.” 

Oops.  I’d spoken out loud.  (Note to self:  don’t drink and do funerals, or, for that matter, crotchless tights.)

“I beg your pardon?” the bow tie preacher said.

“Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce in 1974.  Grandpa didn’t die until 1985.”

Aunt Lilly looked like she was going to have a coronary. 

“You are mistaken, Miss Bean.  I have my notes from my conversation with Mr. Cromswell [Dewey] right here in front of me, and it clearly says that your grandfather died in 1974.”

“You know, I think you’re right, Jenny,” Ida, one of the cronies, chimed from her wheelchair.  “Reagan was president when JR died.  And ol’ JR never got over the whole Watergate deal.”

The bow tie preacher was turning red.  Star and Sissy were giggling.  “Out of respect for the deceased,” he started before he was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder.

The lights went out.  Somebody screamed.  And then a bright flash of lightning lit up the sanctuary.

Then Grandma’s voice boomed, sending us all into shock.   “You know this is an April Fool’s joke, don’t you?!”


  1.  Sissy and I got a room at a Hilton.  We don’t trust Papa to make overnight accommodations.
  2. It really did rain like hell, and the part about the crotchless tights, is, regrettably, true.
  3. We only had two beers each.
  4. I do have a tendency to giggle in church.
  5. Aunt Lilly does not glare, but she would just tell you without preamble that you need to shut the hell up.
  6. In some ways, Grandma was actually a pillar.  As far as I know, she wasn’t a Methodist.  But she was an avid volunteer in the community for many years, and I’m sure that earned her a place in heaven.


Love and peace

February 14, 2014

Tweet The year I was 19, I rode in a car that Grandma Bean was driving for the first time in my life. We were going out for Chinese and I’d just driven for an hour in a blinding sunset, so when Grandma asked me if I wanted to drive, I told her I would […]

Read the full article →

When the gingerbread house goes unattended

December 24, 2013

Tweet   They’re getting sticks and coal for Christmas…. Merry Christmas,  my bloggy friends!!!  Love you all.  I resolve to be a better bloggy pal in 2014.  Coming next:  My career as a toe model ended in 2013. xoxo, Jenny

Read the full article →

Moose love, homophones, escape artist bunnies, and ME

November 1, 2013

Tweet Moose love Moose:                Mommee! Why do they always have to yell across the house? Moose:                MOMMEE!!! Oh, Lord, doesn’t he know that I’m not going to come running? Moose:                MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, shit, I better go see what he wants. Me:                       WHAT???!!! Moose:                I wuv you. Homophones Sissy was making butterscotch oatmeal cookies.  She’d creamed […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part II

August 16, 2013

Tweet Endless cycles Convalescing friends Portia broke her ankle in three places, and she wasn’t even drinking wine when she fell down the steps in the dark.  Since the unfortunate occurrence, there have been doctors, a surgery with pins, and now a scary blue cast and boredom. Portia:  Are you ever going to blog again. […]

Read the full article →

The summer it rained, part I

June 30, 2013

Tweet And rained and rained and rained. The floods have come.  My new grass is at the bottom of a pond.  Flip and Flop are wearing life preservers. At Maison Bean, the schedule changes every day.  One day it’s camp soccer; the next day it’s camp rec center.  And a trip to the good doctor […]

Read the full article →

Flip/Flop: It’s not a dog’s life

May 13, 2013

Tweet Dear PETA, My name is Flop Bean.  It was originally Flip Bean until the woman who adopted me—Crazy Jenny—decided that my coloring was unsuitable for the name “Flip,” so she changed it to “Flop,” and my brother, who was “Flop,” became “Flip”—Flip Wilson Bean to be exact. Color discrimination was just the beginning of […]

Read the full article →

When the Easter Bunny’s stars are not aligned

April 1, 2013

Tweet “When the universe tells you to do something that Bethany thinks is a bad idea, follow the universe.” So said my witty colleague Miller.  Bethany is also a colleague, and bless her heart, she’s a glass-is-half-empty colleague.  I decided to take Miller’s advice. It all started in January when I was innocently buying another […]

Read the full article →

In memoriam: the world’s greatest defender of stampeding elephants

March 22, 2013

Tweet Rooster Bean entered into eternal rest this morning.  It was his time, and Papa couldn’t take him, and I volunteered.  Before we left for the vet, I gave Rooster half a valium and I took a Xanax.  The vet was really compassionate, and despite the fact that I was wearing my old plaid pajama bottoms […]

Read the full article →